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Humorous Church Bulletins #344568
03/03/10 03:11 PM
03/03/10 03:11 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 10,910
USA
Alice Offline OP
Moderator
Alice  Offline OP
Moderator
Member

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 10,910
USA
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.**
------------ --------- -----
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
------------ --------- -----
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------ --------- -----
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
------------ --------- -----
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------ --------- -----
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------ --------- -----
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
------------ --------- -----
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
------------ --------- -----
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------ --------- -----
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
------------ --------- -----
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
------------ --------- -----
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------ --------- -----
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------ --------- -----
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
------------ --------- -----
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
------------ --------- -----
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
------------ --------- -----
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
------------ --------- -----
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------ --------- -----
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
------------ --------- -----
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
------------ --------- -----
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
------------ --------- ----
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare' s Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
------------ --------- -----
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
------------ --------- -----
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".*




Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: Alice] #344570
03/03/10 03:36 PM
03/03/10 03:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 54
MISSOURI
A
ALLEN Offline
Member
ALLEN  Offline
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A

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 54
MISSOURI
Great!!!!!! We all need a little humor after days of watching the Congress spend us into oblivion. Thanks, Alice

Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: ALLEN] #344578
03/03/10 04:56 PM
03/03/10 04:56 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,214
Houston, TX USA
Terry Bohannon Offline
Member
Terry Bohannon  Offline
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,214
Houston, TX USA
"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

and

"The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday."

are my favorite...first time I've laughed myself to tears for a while.

Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: Terry Bohannon] #344584
03/03/10 06:52 PM
03/03/10 06:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 4,678
Georgia
Logos - Alexis Offline
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Logos - Alexis  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 4,678
Georgia
"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."

That is hysterical!

Alexis

Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: Logos - Alexis] #344597
03/03/10 10:45 PM
03/03/10 10:45 PM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 979
Northeastern Pennsylvania
Pavloosh Offline
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Pavloosh  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 979
Northeastern Pennsylvania
Instead of identifying a donation for Sorokousty [Commemoration of the Dead] on an envelope, one parishioner wrote "Dlya Sorokkopuste" which translated from the Ukrainian means "For Forty Cabbages".


Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: Pavloosh] #344619
03/04/10 08:36 AM
03/04/10 08:36 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,564
Dublin
F
Fr Serge Keleher Offline
Member
Fr Serge Keleher  Offline
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F

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,564
Dublin
Church Sign Board:

"Sermon: the Pastor.

Hymn: Sleepers, Wake"

Fr. Serge

Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: Pavloosh] #344627
03/04/10 02:02 PM
03/04/10 02:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 10,910
USA
Alice Offline OP
Moderator
Alice  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 10,910
USA
Originally Posted by Pavloosh
Instead of identifying a donation for Sorokousty [Commemoration of the Dead] on an envelope, one parishioner wrote "Dlya Sorokkopuste" which translated from the Ukrainian means "For Forty Cabbages".



Maybe he was hungry and thinking of some delicious cabbage dish he would go home to eat???

Or maybe he was lamenting a fasting period coming up of forty days of eating nothing but cabbage!!! eek

Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: Alice] #344634
03/04/10 02:57 PM
03/04/10 02:57 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,346
Jermyn, Pa.
Deacon Robert Behrens Offline
Jessup B.C. Deacon
Deacon Robert Behrens  Offline
Jessup B.C. Deacon
Member

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,346
Jermyn, Pa.
Some years back, I remember listening to radio talk show host Barry Farber on WOR radio in NYC. He is Jewish, but raised in Kentucky. He tells of a theological debate which raged in a small Southern town. As you drove through the town, you first encountered a church with a sign which announced "There ain't no Hell"! As you went further down the road, the next church had a sign out front which read "the Hell there ain't!"

Dn. Robert

Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: Deacon Robert Behrens] #344636
03/04/10 03:17 PM
03/04/10 03:17 PM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 979
Northeastern Pennsylvania
Pavloosh Offline
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Pavloosh  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 979
Northeastern Pennsylvania
Recipe for Holy Water:
Place 2 quarts of cold water in pot, place on stove and bring to a boil. Continue boiling the hell out of it!

Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: Deacon Robert Behrens] #344637
03/04/10 03:19 PM
03/04/10 03:19 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 2,532
NW, USA
Porter Offline
Member
Porter  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 2,532
NW, USA
Great humor in these. ROFL..:D

Adding this one:

[The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.]

Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: Porter] #344641
03/04/10 03:47 PM
03/04/10 03:47 PM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 979
Northeastern Pennsylvania
Pavloosh Offline
Member
Pavloosh  Offline
Member

Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 979
Northeastern Pennsylvania
Also:
Parish kitchen switching from electricity to gas as most women in parish have gas.

Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: Pavloosh] #344650
03/04/10 06:29 PM
03/04/10 06:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 700
Eagle River, AK, US
A
aramis Offline
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aramis  Offline
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A

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 700
Eagle River, AK, US
Intentions: [...] Pray for Peace in the Middle East. [...]
Meetings: Wargaming Club, Friday, Parish Center, 7pm.

Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: aramis] #344662
03/05/10 12:21 AM
03/05/10 12:21 AM
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 6,432
Hollidaysburg, PA
theophan Online content
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theophan  Online Content
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Posts: 6,432
Hollidaysburg, PA
A new pastor was blessing the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: theophan] #344665
03/05/10 03:05 AM
03/05/10 03:05 AM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 5,692
Knoxville, TN
B
byzanTN Offline
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byzanTN  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 5,692
Knoxville, TN
One of the bulletin blunders I liked said, "Mrs. Edna Dalton is ill and recuperating at home. Her husband requests that no one come to see the big hog while she is ill."

Re: Humorous Church Bulletins [Re: byzanTN] #344666
03/05/10 03:09 AM
03/05/10 03:09 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 10,910
USA
Alice Offline OP
Moderator
Alice  Offline OP
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Member

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 10,910
USA
Originally Posted by byzanTN
One of the bulletin blunders I liked said, "Mrs. Edna Dalton is ill and recuperating at home. Her husband requests that no one come to see the big hog while she is ill."


I am not getting it...what was it correctly supposed to be?!? confused

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