After finding how much better Eastern spirituality works for me, and after my frustrations with the Protestants and the current RCC situation, I'm joining a Ruthenian parish. Providence, as it were, has kept me stuck in a city that just so happens to have an EO/EC presence. Just please pray for me that I won't guilt trip myself or get overwhelmed by the newness of it all, or turn into a crazy convert (again). Please pray for me that I can assimilate the ways and thinking of the East, but while remaining at peace with the legitimacy of the West.

And also, that the Lord might deliver me from a heart hardened from many years of heartbreak, trauma, loneliness, disappointment, rebellion, struggle, and illness. I'm very bitter, and I tend to use pride and mockery as a shield and as a way to bolster my self-esteem. I've turned into an angry and cynical person.

Maybe try asking the Lord to help you develop inner calmness; and for the gift of being able to regard situations - and people, incl. youself - from an eternal perspective. Take it easy on other people - we all bring our negative baggage with us to church. Everyone you meet - EVERYONE - is fighting some kind of battle, even if you don't know what it is and it doesn't seem like they are.

"Church" attracts people with problems, including clergy. Get ready to meet some of them and don't become confirmed in cynicism on acc't of it. Ask the Most Holy Theotokos for help in developing a merciful inner attitude. I know I sure need one...

God is patient, long-suffering and His mercy endures forever. He lets the rain fall on the just and the unjust alike. He allows the weeds to grow with the wheat. He tolerates a great deal more than we perhaps think he should.

His way are not our ways. His ways are better.

Listen to and absorb Gabriel's words to Mary of Nazareth: "Fear not!"

Prayers for our brother's mind and spirit, that they be uplifted and that he find spiritual peace in his new church home.

I really understand what you are going through. I have been in the Byzantine Ruthenian church for eleven years now and I still have to go to Confession and confess that I am very bitter and say bitter things against the Protestantism from which I came.

It will be a long haul. I am not as bitter as I was, but I do have a way to go. I see the goal, far ahead of me, but I am hardly there yet.

I would recommend finding some good people whom you believe to be holy and make friends with them. Once you develope a good friendship, you will be able to open up freely and share your struggles. There is nothing better than the carrying of another's burdens. It helps the bearer grow and the struggler become free.

May God bless you on your journey towards Him. Keep the faith and take heart. We are all sinners and we are all loved.


PS. When I say "good people whom you believe to be holy" I don't mean that you must see them walk on water. Just that you observe a peacefulness, a serenity, and a joy in them that is where you wish to get to. They will be having their own struggles also, but if they are a bit ahead of you in the journey, they can pull you forward.

It takes time to understand that as Protestants, I was Southern Baptist born and bred :), we were given a foundation. Kind of like Matthew 5:17, when Jesus said, "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.".

Now, the foundation that you were given, is not necessarily being destroyed, but corrected, and being built upon. Your life now is very three dimensional so to speak. By being in a Byzantine Church the reality of our being called to worship Godvwith all that he has given us, all or sences, mind, body, will... It is as if we have put on the 3D glasses at a movie, and as we approach Christ in His Eucharist, we gaze upon the icon of The Last Supper, realizing that we too sat at the table with Christ, for God has said I knew you before... As we enter through the narthex into the sanctuary, we are no longer on this worlds time, but heavens. That as we approach the Royal Doors we behold as it is by all God has given us, 'heaven on earth'.

So don't be angry or sad, but rejoice that he has given you the grace to see to behold him here. The Ggod God says he inhabits the praises of his people. So in thanksgiving, rejoicing, love him, that he has brought youth this solitary point in salvation history.

God bless you!

What a beautiful post, Rose...

Part of my problem is that I'm riddled through with mental illnesses and live in a city that is pretty much devoid of the presence of my peers (I'm 22). I've hit almost all the Catholic parishes in the city and only seen maybe two people my age, if even that because sometimes you can't tell. I don't expect Catholic people to understand me, especially older ones. I have PTSD and am very anxious and angry, I have Autism and all the social norms drive me mad. I've always been a misfit, and due to my age and late-comerness I have more in common culturally with atheists than Christians.

Thank God you're as articulate as you are. THAT's a major gift.

Guess what: I, also, often have more in common with atheists than with Christians.

And that's OK.

HB, my prayers are with you.

I too have PTSD. It is getting better with the passage of time, but now nearly 10 years after the fact it is still in the background. Some things--like the pending 10 year anniversary--tend to push it to the foreground. Sometimes I can antipate those resurfacings but other times they are most unanticipated and unwelcome surprises.

I have a son about your age who is high functioning autistic/Aspergers. He has found the constancy and predicatability to be a positive anchor for his life, and I pray that you will find similar strength and peace through Him who "is our peace".

Christ is Risen!

Prayers!