www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall Humor

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail. Amen."

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff.�

Dear Paul,

Two Carpatho-Ruthenians were standing on mountain peaks shouting to each other:

"Ivan! The Russians have gone to the moon!"

"Pavel! What . . .ALL of them?"

Alex

In a Catholic school classroom, the students were told to draw a picture of a Bible story. After they finished, each of them presented to the class and explained the story they had chosen.

One girl said "this picture shows the Flight into Egypt". She had drawn a picture of an airplane, with four people in it. Three were easily identifiable -- The Infant Jesus, His Mother, and St. Joseph. The teacher could not identify the fourth person, and so she asked the girl.

She answered, "Oh, that is Pontius the Pilot."

Dear Friend,

That's "Saint" Pontius the Pilot to you (in Ethiopia at least)!

My father (+memory eternal!) used to try and be cute as he would go around on the Sunday of the Pharisee and wished a chosen number of his friends "Happy Feast Day!"

Alex

Dear Friends,
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should
try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early
retirement" in September, it became necessary for Nancy to get a
full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we
need. She was a trained medical transcriptionist when we met
twenty-eight ears ago and was fortunate to land a job at a local
transcription house. It was shortly after she started training at
this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she
gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost
always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I
tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young
as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally
does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her
several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know
she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before
she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy
used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly.

Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I
don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the
laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but
unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to
Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's
bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next
evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do
some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog,
vacuuming or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut
and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to
complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just
enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is
difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour.

In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer
encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind
her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if
you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods
than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she
had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the
yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just
age talking. In fact, I try not to embarrass her when she needs these
little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.

I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as
well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk
with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming
from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to
show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better
than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.

My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

P.S. Bob's funeral was on Friday, January 10th.

P.S.S. Nancy was acquitted Monday, January 13th

I think that the following joke goes something like this:

An IRS man went into the confessional and said: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been (x amount)of days since my last confession. I blew up (x amount) of train tracks." The Priest said: "For your pennance, do the stations."

God said, 'Let us make man in our own image, in the likeness of ourselves ...'

And a voice answered, 'Who's us?'

An RC priest is in the confessional hearing confessions when he gets summoned to a dying man in the hospital. He does not want to leave the confessional unattended since he knows people are coming, but has nobody to replace him. So he summons his rabbi friend from the synagogue across the street. The rabbi professes utter ignorance of the ritual, but the priest says, “Easy. You just sit on the other side of the confessional whilst I hear the next confession and you will get the hang of it.”

The first woman comes in: “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times, my daughter?”

“Three.”

“For your penance, say three Hail Marys and put five dollars in the poor box and go, sin no more.” Off she goes.

Next guy comes in: “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I committed adultery this week.”

“How many times, my son?”

“Three times, Father.”

“Well, my son, say three Hail Marys, put five dollars in the poor box, and sin no more.”

Off he goes and the priest and rabbi come out. “Do you think you have the hang of it,” the priest asks?

“Yes, not a problem at all,” replies the rabbi, and so the priest goes off whilst the rabbi enters the confessional.

In comes a woman. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times, my daughter?”

Woman: “Just once, Father.”

Rabbi: “Well, go back and do it two more times. We have a special on this week—three for five dollars!”

John 8:

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?"

He straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to cast a stone ."

While he was writing on the ground, a woman pushed her way through and lobbed a large rock at the harlot. Jesus looked up saying "MOTHER! Will you STOP That!"

Mark Twain was in a conversation with a Mormon.

The Mormon said, "Show me in the Holy Bible where it says that it is wrong for a man to have more than one wife."

Mark Twain answered, "Jesus said, "No one can serve two masters."

Sts Dominic, Francis and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the Birth of Our Lord.
St Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.
St Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.
St Ignatius of Loyola takes St Joseph and Our Lady aside and asks "Have you given any thought to His education?"

The little son of a canon was asked:
"Who is your father"
Priest's son: "The canon"
"And who are you"
Priest's son: "The son of a gun"

Ummm, escuse me hear. But, I believe that some of these jokes blaspheme the holy Bible, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and the Catholic Church. I don't beieve that this is what this poll was intended for. We certainly must not insult Jesus and the Blessed Mother!!! May these jokes remain cute and pure, please?

Pax Christi!!!

Dear Ave Maria:

Haven't you heard of the 9th (or is it the 10th?) beatitude?

"Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves for they shall be laughing all the way to heaven!"

AmdG

Great moments in sports from the Bible

First recorded baseball game:

Genesis 1:1a In the big inning..."

First recorded tennis match:

Moses served in the courts of pharaoh.

OK,OK, no more corny jokes from me.

Paul

Humor is the direct result of our human (God-given) ability to reason. We laugh when we see/hear things that are "unreasonable". We laugh when babies do silly things or when adults on America's Funniest Videos either do stupid things (as a result of bad choices) or when "accidents" happen (kamikazi seagulls).

Humor is a wonderful thing. It lowers blood pressure and leads to longer life. Brother Amando is right on target. We must laugh at all the silliness our human imperfections create; we would be less than what God created were we to stifle this natural instinct.

When we apply this same sense of unexpectedness or incongruence to the human realities of scriptural personages or man-made theology, we are just being ourselves. To suggest that we are being blasphemous is just not in the picture. We aren't disrespecting the Lord or His saints or anyone else. We are just finding incongruence. And laughing. Our holy father, St. Lawrence, while being burned on a large grill over the fire, commented: "Turn me over; I think I'm done on this side".

Find the humor where you can; and laugh when you can -- and help others laugh too!

Blessings!

So there was this guy who used to drink too much whenever he rode the train on business. He gets on and says to the conductor, "Look, friend. Whenever I ride, I get drunk and pass out. We're starting here in Boston and I've got to get off in Philadelphia. Please put me off there, no matter how much I complain or curse or struggle. I've got to make my meeting in Philly!"

Sure enough he drinks, passes out, and wakes up...at the end of the line in Washington! He goes up to the same conductor, who's standing on the platform talking with another conductor, and curses him out - big time! "You son of a .... you filthy...., etc. etc." And he storms away to catch a train back north.

The other conductor looks to his friend and says, "Charlie, I've been working this railroad for 26 years and I've never heard a passenger cuss at a conductor like that!" Charlie replies, "Oh, that? That was nothing. You should have heard the guy that I put off in Philly."

There are many "marginal" jokes out there and one has to be discrening in what is proper or not.

Below - is a true expereince.

I have often caught God playing jokes on me.

Just after Christmas, my wife and I found that our clothe dryer was on its last legs. I had repaired it several times in the past, but after 20 years - it was dying. We had just spent about one thousand dollars for Christmas presents. Being very close to my wife�s large Greek family - and special needs for our own kids - one thousand dollars was as low as we could go. This depleted us (as Christmas always does) and our 3 boys have their birthdays all in January and February.

Getting on in age, I found myself saying to God, in my head, �Oh� what do we do now. We need a dryer - and it will probably be the one that we grow old on and dye with. So I wouldn�t mind at all if arranged a dryer for us.� I was unaware that my wife was also, silently, making the same type of conversation with God.

Several weeks later, as I was passing the local dump - I slammed on the brakes. Obviously, someone had purchased a brand new dryer for their home and thrown out one that seemed only about ten years old and in excellent shape. Having repaired my own several times - I figured it would only cost me $60 for the parts - so I took it home and repaired it. When my wife got home, I took her downstairs and introduced her the dryer that God had given her.

While we stood there so happy with it - we could not help but notice what bad shape the washing machine was in - being right next to the new dryer. Rusting on two side - it would only be a short time before it gave out. Unintentionally, I silently said to myself �Oh - we should have prayed for a set! Now we have a decent dryer and we forgot that the washer is also on its last legs.� I was unaware that Cathy was saying the same thing in her own mind.

One month later, Cathy�s brother called us �Someone owed me money - and he paid me by giving me a brand new washer and dryer. My old set is in excellent condition and only three years old. Do you want the old ones?� Of course I said �You bet� and went down in a rented truck to bring them home.

In my cellar, now, is the repaired dryer, next to that is our current washer still working, next to that is the set her brother gave us - ready for me to install in the summer. A wall of dryers and washers!

We are not sure if we have two dryers because each of us prayed (one to answer each prayer) or if God figured that we would stop bothering him if we had a matching set. Cathy and I agreed that in the future - only one of us does the asking.

Whatever the truth may be - I am sure that God is geeting a good giggle out of watching us.

-ray

I consider myself to have a very good sense of humour. I also consider my Orthodoxy to show itself in my culture - a Christian culture. I wonder whether some people throwing about their worldly humour have heard of Christian culture, or has American consumerism dissolved it? More honourable than the cherubim, and truly more glorious than the seraphim... and the object of humour?

Shlomo Lkhoolkhoon,
I got this from Ted Krieg on the CIN EAST list two years ago. It is still funny

Poosh BaShlomo Lkhoolkhoon,
Yuhannon

*************************************************
For those on this list who have a little background in science here is a story intended as a break in our usual serious encounters.
The following is an actual exam question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving in to Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having that event take place, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

**The student received the only "A" given

My State (Arkansas) is mentioned in the Bible and is probably the only one: "Noah stood on the ark and saw land" :rolleyes:

Much much - too funny!

Thank you.

(joke - deleted out of sensitivity to others)

Cheers
-ray

Shlomo Lkhoolkhoon,

Eastern Orthodox theology in song form .... from a post on the Russian Catholic list. What do y'all think of this? :-)

Poosh BaShlomo Lkhoolkhoon,
Yuhannon
-------------------------------------------------
A new version of Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious


Um diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle urn diddle ay

Superchristological and Homoousiosis
Even though the sound of them is something quite atrocious.
You can always count on them to put an end to Gnosis;
Superchristological and Homoousiosis

Um diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle um diddle ay

Now Origen and Arius were quite a clever pair.
Immutable divinity made Logos out of air.
But then one day Saint Nicholas gave Arius a slap-
and told them if they can't recant, they ought to shut their trap!

Oh, [chorus]

One Prosopon, two Ousia are in one Hypostasis.
At Chalcedon this formula gave our faith its basis.
You can argue that you don't know what this really means,
But don't you go and try to say there's a "Physis' in between!

Oh, [chorus]

Um diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle um diddle ay

Now freedom and autonomy are something to be praised,
But when it comes to human sin, these terms must be rephrased,
For Pelagius was too confident that we could work it out--
And Augustine said *massa damnata* is what it's all about.

Oh, [chorus]

Heresies are arguments that you might find attractive,
But just remember in this case the Church is quite reactive.
So play it safe and memorize these words we sing together,
'Cause in the end you'll find, my friend, that we may live forever.

[Lyrics written by Dan ldzikowski.]

Thank you for the song!!!! :p
Thank you for sharing the song!!! :p
Thank you for this thread. :p

True story:

My daughter was in first grade and attended a Roman Catholic grade school. On Great Friday, the students under the direction of the principal, would re-enact the Stations of the Cross. An eighth grade boy would take the role of Jesus, while other students would be the centurions, the weeping women, His mother, and so on. My daughter was picked to be one of the women by the Cross, so I made her a costume according to the role and the principal's regulations. The costume was to be brought in on Monday of Great and Holy Week (so that no one would forget it on Great Friday).

After school on Monday, I asked Catherine if she had turned in her costume. She said she didn't. I asked her why not and she told me she had missed the practice. Her teacher had thought practice would be at 11:45 a.m. in the cafeteria and had sent the children out of the class at that time, but practice had been an hour earlier so the first graders missed it.

I said, "Did anyone else miss practice from the other grades?" She looked at me very seriously and said, "Jesus wasn't there, either."

BTW, she is now getting a Jesuit high school education......I LOVED that one!

My daughter's name is Sara.

When she was about 5 yrs old, one day she asked me
"Who is Sara Fimm?"

I asked her where she'd heard that name.

She said, "At church, you know the Sara Fimm and
Cherubim!"
denise

When my youngest sister was baptized, the entire family went up to the front of the church to assist with the baptism. This included my grandparents, my parents, my two other sisters, and myself.

About halfway through the ceremony, somehow a scuffle began between my two other sisters, Kate and Ellis, who were about 4 and 7 at the time, respectively. My parents tried to ignore it and stay focused on the baptism (my mind was spaced out, God knows where), but the scuffle escalated into a full out fight. Finally, Ellis smacked Kate, who fell backwards and did a complete back flip over the altar rail, much to the horror of my parents, the congregation, the pastor, and most of all, my grandmother.

Needless to say it wasn't exactly as joyful an event as was expected. My sisters were punished for quite some time.

ChristTeen287

True story from a 5th grade catechism class I taught in 1980 / 81:

I asked, "Who can tell me the names of any angels mentioned in the Bible?" A boy excitedly raised his hand. "Yes?" I prompted. "Well there's Michael, Gabriel, and Harold!" "Where do you get Harold?" I asked. He replied without hesitation, "Hark, the Harold angels sing!"

There was a similiar humor as this one about the Flight to Egypt...except it didn't have Pontius Pilate...or the airplane in it.

The drawing contained Jesus, Mary, Joseph, a camel and a black bug. The teacher would ask, "What's the black dot in the picture?" The kid would reply, "Oh that's flea." (as in fleeing to Egypt).



SPDundas
Deaf Byzantine

AMERICA'S GREAT RELIGIOUS HERITAGE

America today has four great religions, each of which has helped to shape the American character. There is Islam, the Religion of Peace; Judaism, the Religion of Forgiveness; Protestantism, the Religion of Reason; and Catholicism, the Religion of Courage.

This is why Americans are peaceful, like Muslims; forgiving, like Jews; rational, like Protestants; and courageous, like Catholics!

LOL

Here's one from the out-of-the-mouth-of-babes department:

When I taught Sunday School in the local Greek Orthodox Church (now I'm Byzantine Catholic) years ago, my 4th grade class had one year, a large number of quite rambunctious boys and no girls. Staying a step ahead of them was always a challenge. One Sunday before Liturgy our class was talking about the healings Jesus did which are recorded in the Bible. I asked the boys who they could think of thatOur Lord had healed. "Lazarus!" said one. "the woman with the issue of blood" said another. "the leper!", "the man lowered through the roof" chimed in one lad. and on until they ran out of ideas.

"Oh!Oh! I know! I know!" said a cherubic rapscalliion. 'Yes, Steven?" say I.

"Ben Hur's Mom!" was his reply.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=
Mother Bear