www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall Can't we all just get along? Apparently not.

Hello all. I'm new here.

I've been married for more than 21 years and recently my Mother-in-Law decided to tell me that she thinks I should leave the Catholic church. Her reasons are because of the recent child & sex abuse scandals by priests. I knew she didn't particularly care for Catholics to begin with, but I'd figured it to be a dead subject after 21 years.

My wife doesn't seem to mind that I'm Catholic. She doesn't mind that our children are Catholic. She doesn't get the Ruthenian or Byzantine Catholic rites compared to the Latin-Roman rite, but she has never thwarted me or the children.

Obviously I feel much hurt, anger, and betrayal from my mother-in-law. I guess I'm too much immigrant trash for her. Funny, my family's been here since 1680. That notwithstanding, I believe the attack to be unwarranted. Further, she says it's a mistake to raise our children as Catholics. I never pointed this out to her, but she never offered to take the children to another church or arranged to do so.

I'll never stop being Catholic. Even when the Romans I know don't think we Byzantines are. But I'm incensed and outraged at this point. I've decided not to go near my mother-in-law. If she comes to my house, I'll not engage her in conversation. I don't know what else I can do.

Joe Conway

Joseph,

Welcome to ByzCath.

From what I read in your post, neither your mother-in-law or your wife actually impedes you and your children from going to church? If so, age old prejudices die very slowly. I would recommend to pray for her and her conversion (you are never too old), and to avoid the occasion of your hurt while not being rude.

Other than that, I really can not suggest much at this point.

In IC XC,
Father Anthony+

Dear Joseph, It's so very hard to be kind to our enemies, but that's what Christ told us to do. He said to expect it! I know it's easier said than done, but your reward will be great.

I have a sister who is into new age junk and she told me the other day that she "always thought I was stupid." She said that "being Catholic is nothing to be proud of and that if I were even slightly intelligent I would realize that religions were only a primitive express of the ignorant". I smiled and mentioned her to God.

Pray to our Lord to help you through this trial.

Father and Rose offer good advice. The Church is eternal. Why worry about transitory undisciplined attitudes of people who really don't wish to do the work necessary to be holy? You and your children are being prepared to live with God. It remains to be seen what you mother-in-law is preparing herself for. Don't allow here negativity to sidetrack you.

Rose's suggestion is so good I think I'll try it more often myself. Just smile and mention her to God.

CDL

Take a deep breath and let some time go by.
She may just be an opinionated and non-religious person (you will know this better than anyone) and honestly did not mean any harm or offense by her comment. Many religious persons have to contend with non-religious persons in their families.

Getting along is very difficult and may even be the most difficult thing we are called to do by our Lord, but we are called to do it!

Living with parents or having parents visit, your own or your in-laws, will inevitably bring comments you may not like to you, to your wife, to your children...the list goes on. They are not perfect, but they did spend their whole lives raising you and/or your wife, just as you are raising your children and you know the hardships and day to day difficulties and struggles.

They usually mean well, and sometimes they don't...And yes, they do get quirkier as they get older, and traits that may have been fleeting at one time DO get intensified, but: That is life. That is family. That is love.

Think of the alternative which is not having any parents at all.

In Christ,
Alice

The Thomist and the Palamite were walking hand in hand

Each did his very best to make the other understand

"If only we could both agree", they said, "it would be grand.

Incognitus

Dear Alice,
Suddenly you remind me of Helle Georgiadis (who is probably in the Heavenly Kingdom by now) - she was a Greek who became a Catholic for whatever reason. But that's not why you remind me of her.

Helle was speaking at some sort of meeting in England many years ago, when someone from the floor said "The Catholics claim to be the true, authentic Christian Church, and the Orthodox claim to be the true, authentic Christian Church - probably they are both wrong!" Unfazed, Helle responded: "if two men each claim to be the father of a certain child, sane people do not take that for proof that the child never had a father at all!"

Incognitus

Incognitus,

Very wise indeed. But then Protestants claim to be the one true church...all 37,000 of them.

CDL

Hi Joseph,

Welcome to the forum!

A few thoughts...

Granted that the pedophile scandal has caused much pain inside and outside the Catholic Church. It has given those who were in the least bit anti-Catholic new fuel for their flames.

The thing to do is what you are doing..."keep the faith."

And I agree with Alice here...that time can resolve this problem with your mother-in-law...maybe not completely but enough so you can have peace.

Pray for her..

In Christ,

Mary Josephine

Hello, Joe Conway,

I could think of a thousand reasons too - not to be Catholic, not to be a citizen of this country, not to live ...

I've recently reached a turning point in my life and now have decided to forgive those who have hurt me and my wife - inside or outside the church. The reason is that no one has a monopoly on evil.

There are bad doctors, but do we refrain from going to the ER if we are in a serious accident?

There are bad money lenders, but do we hide our money under our mattress?

There are bad cooks, but do we stop frequenting restaurants?

There are bad cops, but do we refuse to pay our taxes to support police?

There are bad teachers who also molest young people, but do we shut all the schools down?

There are bad neighbors, but do we keep moving until we find Nirvana Neighborhood?

There are rude mother-in-laws, but do we seek a divorce from them? I know, I know. Many have contemplated that one. My mother-in-law didn't show up to my wedding because my wife's brother (her father died the year before) wasn't allowed to hand over the bride in our church. Strange enough, she didn't like Byzantine Catholics, but did have Byzantine Catholics as my wife's godparents. Figure that one out.

There are bad clergy, ... as well as bad parishioners, but do we reject Christ?

There are so many reasons to find fault with others. I have made a crude business in doing so in the past few years myself. But we must learn to forgive and forget, but welcome wisdom along the way. We all reach a turning point after being burned by those whom we thought we can look up to. But many are not on the same Theosis path. Some are hanging on to a thread on the Divine Ladder.

Your mother-in-law definitely has a problem with Catholics. Maybe you should sit down with her to discuss it. That she tells you this means that she might be wanting you to take the initiative to begin a discussion. Dunno.

My family too arrived on the Maryland shores around the same time. They were English Catholics, who eventually had to move to Western Maryland (Emittsburg and Taneytown) because they were hassled by the God-loving non-Catholics.

Good luck and God bless,
Joe Thur

Thanks to all for your comments, counsel & prayers.

I was told this during the Labor Day Weekend last September. I should have gone to Otpust in Uniontown instead. Gas prices will never stop me again.

I have tried, over the course of time I have known her, to discuss these things. It falls upon "deaf ears". I did not throw her anything back at her. I didn't blame her or change the argument to attack her. I also know that trying to change another's beliefs is futile. With my work in addictions, the Alcoholics Anonymous way of "attraction rather than promotion" idea seems the best course of action to take. I don't try to recruit or convert. We have seen too much strife and hard feelings in our world because of that.

I have decided, as I said in the original post, I will be cordial to my mother-in-law. I will not engage her in conversation. She often steers the conversation in order to attack Catholicism & Catholics. She is included in my prayers always. All of you are as well.

Thanks again,

Joe

Dear Joseph,

We Easterners, when faced with a bad situation of any kind, like to do a kind of "novena" of prayers for a specific intention.

Except that our "novena" lasts for forty days straight.

It is quite the "podvig" or "struggle/effort" of prayer.

Choose a form of prayer that is a bit longer than what you are used to and pray for your intention daily for forty days straight.

You can use other prayers as you go along, attend Mass and Communion et al.

St Seraphim of Sarov taught that if anyone said 150 Our Father's and 150 Hail Mary's for all one's relatives and friends, living and dead - and then asked for one special favour that he or she REALLY needed - it would be granted.

I once mentioned this in an article I wrote on this subject and someone e-mailed me to say they were going to say the above series of prayers for 40 days - they were Orthodox . . .

And they obtained what they prayed for.

Ciao,

Alex

Okay Alex, I'll try and let you know the outcome in 40 days.

I think the thing that irritates Protestants and seculars is not so much the scandals, but the fact theat we believe in forgiveness and mercy, and that while we believe criminl acts deserve JUST and PROPORTIANTE punishment, we do not acept the idea that faith makes people perfect. Which many protestants do. Not to raise the old faith v works thing..but Protestants and seculars I know have real issues with the fact that we have confession, and we admit we sin, and we try again..which goes against the grain of how our society sees itself. If something's not perfect, get rid of it. Priests, church, marriage.

I think a lot of the issue with predjudice is it's a way of not dealing with things that confront you. Take heart, pray for her, don't take her attitude to heart.

NW

I suppose it help to know that there are child molesters in all professions and just because a small group offend it should not relect badly on all those who do their job with honour. Having said that we know mud sticks and the media love it in particular when catholic priests fail in particular. We have police who do the same but we still report crimes to them. Bank tellers do it and we still use Banks.

You cant make people change their minds. They do that for themselves. You can only collect some facts and state them to her. If she chooses not to want to listen it is possibly nothing to do with the subject at all but that she has old prejudice against Catholics and thats what it is really all about. The line about leading horses to water but you can't make them drink springs to mind. Let her own her own issues and dont make them yours. If at the end of the day she is happy to be this way then just leave her to it. Know when it's time to walk away. Now that may shock her and she may come back to you later to talk about churches but if she is happy with her prejudice noting you are going to say is going to make any difference at all. All this fussing does seem to make her powerful in the family.

ICXC
NIKA