www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall 10 Ways to "Burn Your Bridge" with the Bishop: and NEVER get ordained!

Slava Isusu Christu!

I thought I would try some Monty-Python-esk Byzantine stuff here; you know something on the lighter side

Give the best ten answers and you will be consecrated Patriarch of your own Vagante Old Roman Catholic Orthodox Greek Catholic Anglican rite Church, Inc. Good Luck!

List, in distinctive Byzantine humor, 10 ways to Burn Your Bridge with the Bishop: and NEVER get ordained.

(LATINS ARE WELCOME TO POST AS WELL!)

10) Yank on his beard (if he has one).

9) Steal his staff/crozier and use it for batting practice.

8) “Hey hun, your hat is gorgeous but it doesn't match your purse.”

7) Declare him a heretic, anathema, and/or anaxios and then slap him on the back and say, “Just messin' with ya buddy!”

6) “The previous bishop was MUCH better than you.”

5) Put trick candles in his trikiri and dikiri.

4) “Are you Santa Claus?”

3) Give him a wedgie.

2) “Did you know you're going to hell? Really, our holy father John Chrysostom SAID the road to hell is paved with the skulls of priests AND bishops!”

1) Lick his hand instead of kissing it.

How about

1. Stand during his sermon and ask him to sit down so someone truly inspiring can finish.

2. Start a campaign to have people withhold their contributions to his next fundraiser.

3. Start a letter-writing campaign to have his superiors remove him.

4. Greet him with moldy bread.

5. Tell him that his choice of jewelry wouldn't pass muster at Mardi Gras.

6. . . . On second thought, it's tough to be a bishop. And I'm sure that it's lonely sometimes when the “buck” stops at his desk. Maybe it would be just as well to send the man a card and let him know that even if I don't agree with his every move to put the faith into practice, I'm still behind him because the Lord caused him to be where he is for the rest of us.

Sorry I wrecked the general humor intended.

BOB

I can't pass this thread up...

1. Pull the orlets out from under him while he is holding lit trikery/dikery, and in the ensuing tumble he lights the carpet on fire;

2. Attach smoke bombs to the trikery/dikery hidden by the ribbins or flowers, and time the fuse when he says the first "O Lord, look down" dense clouds of smoke erupt from the trikery/dikery;

3. Put Super-glue on the inside of the miter;

4. Put super-glue on the orlets;

5. Fold the velikij omophor in such a way that it all springs apart when he enters the altar at the Small Entrance;

6. Place a battery-powered propellor on top of the miter and don't show it to him until he comes in to be vested;

7. Make a trick staff or crozier hollowed out that comes off at the top and one of those spring-loaded snakes jumps out;

8. Put a couple of M-80s or black cats on the trikery/dikery instead of smoke bombs;

9. Vest him inside out;

10. When he is about to grab the trikery/dikery have the subdeacons continually quickly change sides as he reaches so he can't reach either.

Bob, of course we are only in jest and pray for our hierarchs.

Post something on this thread?

CDL

Of course the bishop is free to wear a squirt ring so when you bend over to kiss his hand - gotcha.

1) Argue with him that, "but the books from Rome say to do it THIS way..."

2) Tell him, "but ORTHODOX bishops wear the klobuk!"

3) Introduce him to your wife.

4) Tell him you will buy your own plane ticket to Ukraine for the ordination.

5) Tell him that you would prefer the Latin Rite but Vatican II just messed it all up.

6) Tell him that you spend more time on byzcath.org than at your prayer corner (no offense, Admin!)

7) Tell him that hospodi pomiluj is better pronounced "gospodi pomiluj".

8) Tell him that he would look better with blue mandyas.

9) Tell him that you've only been excommunicated twice.

10) Mention to him that your spiritual father is from Mount Athos and recently rebaptised you but gave you a blessing to continue attending your Byzantine Catholic parish

anastasios

Something like this, Diak?

[Linked Image]

:p

Ok, I'll give it a whirl

1. Tell the bishop you are gay.

2. Join the Society of St. Josaphat (SSPX) and ask the bishop for his blessing.

3. Before ordination tell the bishop you REALLY like to gamble and you go to Las Vegas EVERY year.

4. Tell His Grace that you are for women priests and you want to be one

5. Translate your own liturgikon in seminary and tell the bishop you are going to use yours because it is "more Orthodox" than the approved translations!

6. Ask the bishop if you can be vested in a Roman Chasuble after ordination; say "wouldn't it be neat to be in solidarity with our Latin brothers."

7. Tell the bishop about your "plans" to restore the Supplication Service (Benediction of the BS) and Novena and Rosary services; because "haven't we gone to hell since we chucked Mary's 'treasures.'"


8. Ask the bishop if it would be ok to do the DL in Latin just once a month for the SSPXers that come over when their chapel isn't holding Mass

9. Rally the seminary to do a walk-out for Married priests.

10. Ask if you can do missionary work among drag queens for a year after ordination

hehe!

Just say:

1) You're a bishop? Where's your beard?

2) Hey, can't you spell the captial of the Ukraine?
3) Why can't we just use L'viv-Bakhmetev chant? It's so much nicer.

4) You know, you Carpatho-Rusyns are really Ukrainians!

5) Your pre-fab omophorion reminds me of a clip-on tie!

6) If the Vatican hadn't reneged on the Union, you should be a Senator!

7) You can't change that liturigicon; surely the Orthodox own the copyright!

8) Does the mass still count when you use those pre-cut particles?

9) I hear that if I dox later, they'll make me a bishop!

10) I was encouraged to seek ordination by posters at the Byzantine Forum.

1. Ask him to bless your Robert Lentz icon of "St. J.R.R. Tolkein"

2. Tell him his beard could use miracle grow.

3. Suggest Atkins Diet will improve his ability to make prostrations during Lent.

4. Recommend use of bandura in Liturgy.

5. Use orlets with Big Bird image

6. Send flyer with "Good Friday Barbeque and Kegger Fundraiser" to him...on day when he is out of town and can't attend.

7. Suggest "Fab Five" do makeover for seminary cassocks...imply you feel the Bishop himself would look "That much more stunning in a tangerine cassock."

8. Explore the profit to be made from running a still in your room in the seminary.

9. Have letters addressed to you at seminary as "Your All Holiness"...just in case.

10. Put popcorn in the censer when the bishop is visiting.

Gaudior, irreverently

1. "Did you see that idiotic posting on the Byzantine Forum by The Mitred One?" ... "... oh!!"

2. "And my wife thought they didn't make episcopal vestments in XXXL! Shows how much she knows!"

3. "So, between us, is she really just your housekeeper?"

4. "How about that swimsuit issue? Wow!!!!"

5. "Saw you in the drugstore. Listen, if it's for your beard, I'd go with the other miticide; it works much more quickly."

6. "Want a breath mint?" ... "No, really, take one; in fact, take two. I insist."

7. "Got introduced to your niece at coffee hour. Wow, is she hot! That's just wrong, her being a nun and all, don't you agree?"

8. "Hey, I was talking to my sister. Any chance you'd reconsider his seminary application? It'd mean a lot to him; think about it, I mean after going through the surgery and all."

9. "Everybody says that you'll never be the bishop that Jakub was. I'm not so sure; give it a few years, you'll grow into the role, ... I think."

10. "I met your brother; you must be pretty proud, him being a metropolitan cardinal arch-primate, whatever that is - sounds big-time to me. Surprised you never talk about him. Who knew there was an Estonian Byzantine Sarum Rite Metropolitan Arch-Eparchy; which jurisdiction are they anyway? And who would have thought to put a cathedral in a strip mall, right between the adult video store and 7-11; talk about getting down with the people! Can he concelebrate at my ordination? Excellency, are you okay, you look a little green?"

Dear Friends,

I really think you all have such wonderful, hidden talents! This is hilarious!

My two cents' worth:

10) Sing loudly the "Many Years" at the end of the Liturgy for all the hierarchs, but remain mum when it comes to your own bishop as you stand beside him.

9) Ask him if Rome gave an argument when the L'viv Synod selected him as an episcopal candidate.

8) Ask if his "Doctor of Divinity" was earned legitimately . . .

7) Tell him he should have no problem cleaning up the administrative mess left him by his predecessor - as long as he doesn't add to it.

6) Get married right before your ordination as a priest and then tell the bishop you had hoped he didn't mind . . .

5) Tell him that denial of good parishes to married priests is the Byzantine form of "clerical abuse."

4) Get your presbytera to sew and create all kinds of imitation clerical honours that you then wear to priestly gatherings. When the bishop says you are not entitled to them - simply tell him that it is out of both your hands and that he would have to speak to your presbytera for permission to have them removed.

3) Let the bishop know that you are blindly loyal to him and never listen to all the gossip that goes on behind his back, especially the reasons why he and the Basilian Order parted company years ago . . .

2) Let him know that you appreciate his stated love for the pure Eastern traditions and that he is invitd to attend your parish's public Rosary and Stations of the Cross for all his intentions.

1) Ask him to attend a Bible Vigil at your parish and then quote St Paul about a bishop "being a man of one wife. And where's your wife, Vladyko?"

P.S. All of the above have actually been said to one of our bishops at one time or another

Alex

I think we need to get ready to consecrate Irish Melkite...

These are all great!

Alex, surely NOT??? :rolleyes:

Gaudior, in astonishment!

Gaudior,

I too can testify to having heard a few of my lines addressed to hierarchs , although not by presbyteral candidates

Many years,

Neil

Neil...

The popcorn in the censer happened...And Lentz has sadly made Tolkein a saint.

More than that, I will not say.

Gaudior...

"There are more things on Heaven and Earth, Horatio, then are dreamt of in your philosophy."

William Shakespeare...Hamlet

LOL
I have to tip my hat to you all. You've all got a great sense of humor. Maybe I should spend more time learning from you.

Popcorn in the censer. Now there's something to think about. Think I'll just copy this whole thread and save it for later study.

I believe that you all pray for your bishops. Sometimes I get too serious, especially since our parish just "roasted" our bishop last Sunday. He came for Liturgy and then volunteered to answer questions about the sex abuse situation here. I missed it, but they tell me he was grilled with no holds barred for over an hour afterward.

BOB

P.S.: Does it count if you've said "I've been thrown out of classier places than this" when threatened with excommunication?

Dear Gaudior,

Uh-huh . . .

Alex

---------------------------------------------

INTERNET CONSECRATION CERTIFICATE

TO: Irish Melkite

FROM: The Ultrajectine Ministry Assoc., Inc
of the ORCOGCARC.

This Certificate hereby grants you ordination to all minor and major Orders and creates you Patriarch of The Old Roman Catholic Orthodox Greek Catholic Anglican rite Church, Inc. with all the powers,titles, rights, priviledges, authority, and jurisdiction.
Being 10 Wednesday 2004.

Signed: President of the Synod of Bishops ORCOGCARC, Metropolitan Irenei Bruce

Signed: Secretary/Chancellor, Archpriest Stephen "Markowitz" Hoboday-Scott

MEMO:

Your Holiness CONGRATULATIONS and MANY YEARS!

----------------------------------------------

(Disclaimer: for entertainment purposes only)

Dear Robert,

As someone who has helped name vagante jurisdictions before, I must protest the use of the word "Catholic" twice in your title!

Once is enough . . .

And if Neil is in communion with Rome, then it is "Your Beatitude."

Some years back, I consecrated Mor Ephrem as Catholicos of New Orleans and the South in a similar fashion, although Phil had to kiss his computer mouse thrice and kneel for the reading of the words of consecration . . .

Entertainment or not, Phil continues to bear the title of Catholicos to this day.

One just never knows for sure about these things.

Neil is fully consecrated as far as I'm concerned.

He is, after all, a man of one wife and fulfills all other episcopal requirements . . .

Congratulations, Your Beatitude!

Alex

Now that a Patriarch has been chosen lets see who can go for Supreme Pontiff

Now we will try the Latin POV:

In a distincively Latin manner list 10 ways you can "burn your bridge" with the bishop: and NEVER get ordained. (To spin this you can do either a Novus Ordo bishop or a SSPX bishop).

Good Luck!

1. Tell the truth; never beat around the bush and let it be known that you don�t appreciate those who blow smoke where the sun doesn�t shine.

2. Let it be known right from the start that you are no hand-kissing sycophant.

3. Always ask for clarifications and/or instructions to be put in writing; and always send correspondence via certified mail.

4. Convey one�s priority of family before ministry, especially if one�s wife has a miscarriage and they still want your schoolwork done on time.

5. Question any contradictions, especially if three clerics say five different things; keep pushing for answers and let them know you will continue until you get at least one straight answer.

6. Be outspoken about homosexuality as being a sin and ask if he will demand from his priests a promise not to practice it in addition to the promise of celibacy.

7. Say you want to be a married priest like the other guys nobody talks about openly for fear of the ... Romans.

8. Write a few 10-page letters refuting the lies one gets from eparchial officials.

9. Never let up asking for answers that were promised; remind them on a periodic basis until they either call you a pushy-good-for-nothing or actually give up and tell you to do your own thing because incompetent imbeciles with long-winded titles and fancy religious jewelry can�t find their way out of a paper bag.

10. Ask if he takes the Vatican documents and papal encyclicals seriously like the last guy as well as the question, "Who picked you to be bishop?"

OMG! LOLOL
That is hilariously not funny!
Sam


Alex writes:
10) Sing loudly the "Many Years" at the end of the Liturgy for all the hierarchs, but remain mum when it comes to your own bishop as you stand beside him...P.S. All of the above have actually been said to one of our bishops at one time or another

Ten ways to burn your bridges with a Novus Ordo bishop:
1]Pray the Divine Office in Latin [especially effective in community prayer when everyone else is praying in English].
2]Make your own surplice out of old doilies.
3]Denounce the rector of your seminary as a closeted homosexual [especially if there is no evidence of this].
4]Refuse to take the seminary's psychological tests and call Scientology for free legal representation in the ensuing lawsuit.
5]Insist on addressing your bishop as "your dominance".
6]In canon law class, when discussing the canon which dictates automatic suspension of a cleric for striking a bishop, ask the teacher "what if it is in self defense?"
7]Inform the bishop that you feel "called to work with young boys".
8]Wear sunglasses when assisting at Mass.
9]Ask him "so...who did you sleep with to get where you are?"
10][My one serious entry]: Live according to your conscience and speak your mind instead of trembling and kissing ass in the seminary.
-Daniel the former Roman seminarian [I left willingly, honest]

Daniel,

Did we attend the same feminary ... err, seminary? [popular term back then]

Joe

Joe- I doubt it; I actually attended a very good seminary; there was no obvious homosexual subculture and the doctrine was essentially sound. It was mind-numbingly reminiscent of high school, though, and only a couple of teachers encouraged intellectual activity on the part of the seminarians.

By the way, I don't think it far-fetched at all that JRR Tolkien is a saint, along with Flannery O'Connor, Walker Percy and GK Chesterton, maybe in some weird way even Francis Thompson. [Of these only Tolkien has had an "icon' written of him by Mr Lentz.]
Lentz has, however, "canonized" some pretty unlikely characters:Harvey Milk, Steve Biko, ML King, Albert Einstein, Liberace. Okay, so I'm joking about Liberace. And didn't Fr William Hart McNichols write an "icon" of Princess Di? And one of Matthew Shepherd?
Oh, those Jesuits...

Let's direct Neil to the following website for episcopal consecration:

Bishops R Us [angelfire.com]

Iconophile: You forgot St. MERLIN. :p Yes, THE Merlin...out of King Arthur. Lentz is a bit, ummm, round the twist.

Gaudior, starting in this one instance to feel some sympathy with the iconoclasts....MERLIN!!!!

Well, for goodness sake! :rolleyes:

Daniel, if you are adding Chesterton to the Synaxarion I want to also add my hero Hilaire Belloc!

"Wherever the Catholic son doth shine
There's lots of laugther and good red wine
At least I've always found it so
Benedicamus Domino!"
Belloc

Well Belloc was less obviously holy; a bit on the prickly side, don't you think? But then Jerome is a saint, so who knows...
Ten ways to burn your bridges with a SSPX bishop:
1]Plaster your car with "smile God loves you" and "are you ready for the Rapture?" bumperstickers.
2]Have a fiddleback chasuble custom made, decorated with embroidered smiley faces.
3]Insist on calling the bishop by his first name, as in "Wassup, Chuck?"
4]Compose a recessional hymn: "Have a Nice Day, Yahweh."
5]Bring your guitar to Gregorian chant practice.
6]Start humming "Kumbaya" quietly during exposition of the Blessed Sacrament.
7]Take the bishop aside and inform him that the Holy Spirit has blessed you with the charismatic gifts of the Word of Knowledge and Discernment of Spirits and if he needs any advice he should feel free to give you a call.
8]Call the bishop at three in the morning to tell him you just had a vision of the Blessed Mother and she told you to call him for further instructions.
9]Start talking in tongues during the holy hour.
10]Organize a pilgrimage for your fellow seminarians to Medugorje.

Another ten ways to burn your bridges with a SSPX bishop:
1]Organize the Gay Traditionalist Alliance. Print your newsletter in Latin.
2]Brag to the other seminarians about your nipple piercings.
3]Wear eyeliner to class.
4]Start a Goth band called "the Daughters of Trent".
5]Have a fiddleback chasuble made, embroidered with little skulls.
6]"Do you think this cassock makes my ass look fat?"
7]Take the bishop aside, tell him you have heard the rumors of his Jewish ancestry. Assure him you will not hold this against him.
8]Inform him that you have just fathered an illegitimate child and that you have named him "Marcel".
9]Ask the bishop if the Society's insurance will cover sex change operations. "Just curious, your excellency."
10]Wear a black leather cassock.

Iconophile:

That is THE funniest "you-know-what" I have ever read! I am going to print it off and put it on my refrigerator!



UNBELIEVEABLE!

Hmmm...I think we consecrate Iconophile on that note!

I will settle for nothing less than the papacy!

Sorry, folks.Call me old fashioned or a reactionary bigot, but I have a problem with some of the humor here.

Bless, Father Al! Consecration or Excommunication? That is the question....

10 ways to annoy Latin Trads when you're an Eastern who regularly appears at Trad RC circles and services:

1) Crossing oneself the right-left way.

2) Pronouncing the Latin in a Classical or a Mediaeval manner - neither of them uses the "chees" and "chaws" of the Italian proununciation. Very effective when one is part of the chant schola.

3) Crossing oneself at the "Glory be to the Father..." and all places where one would cross oneself in eastern texts.

4) Roundly condemn the idea of women priests together whenever the topic is mentioned, and loudly say how restoring the female Diaconate would solve many problems.

5) Refusing to kneel on Sundays and Paschaltide or the Great Feasts.

6) Happily sing the Credo loudly with them, then clam up when the F-word is sung. Excellent again when one is in the chant schola.

7) Have a very obviously non-Latin prayerbook all through Mass. Most effective if it's the St Alban's version, reprinted by St Vlad's, as it's purple with large words "A Manual Of Eastern Orthodox Prayers" on it.

8) When appointed to be the Greek Choir for the Good Friday Reproaches, sing the "Αγιος ο Θεος" in a Byzantine manner, with the microtonal inflections and elaborate ornamentation. Without prior warning.

9) Congratulate everyone on Julian calendar feasts.

10) Whenever they mention the Latin Mass Society, speculate whether in the days when the liturgical language of the Roman rite was changed from Greek into Latin, there was formed a Greek Mass Society.

Yes, I'm guilty of all the above

In all seriousness, what would be the reaction on this forum if a trad RC, SSPX or no, parodied this list, calling it "10 ways to annoy Eastern Catholics when you're a trad Lat visiting an Eastern Parish?"


OS

One doesn't even have to be Catholic, Roman or otherwise, to get that list:

Ask, "Are you Catholic?"

"No, really, are you Catholic?"

"C'mon, tell me the truth... are you REALLY Catholic?"

"So, let me get this straight, you ARE Catholic?"

"You're Catholic? Really? Could have fooled me!"

"Are you Catholic? Under the Pope and everything?"

"If you're REALLY Catholic, where are the wafers?"

"Now, stop kidding with me and tell me the truth: ARE YOU CATHOLIC?"

"If you truly are Catholic, can I fulfill my Sunday obligation here, or do I have to go to Mass after this?"

"Between you and me, are you really Catholic?"

My only objection to Chtec's list is that it's not a joke; these things actually happen. I could cite only too many melancholy examples of them.
However, perhaps we should give a prize for the participant who can offer us the snappiest answer to the question "are you a Catholic?". Maybe something like "what made you think I was from California?"
Incognitus

Aha - can add to the list

"What do you mean your Priest is married ? Proper Priests are celibate."

:p

Anhelyna

Dear incognitus,

How about "I recently attended one of your Masses. Are you sure *you're* Catholic?"

I had a third-person version of that conversation this morning. I think that maybe, just possibly, my brother and sister now halfway accept the fact that Byzantine priests can indeed be married men...Oi.

Dear Kobzar,
Hmmmm. An interesting question. Some people do seem rather Provincial.
Incognitus

Why do you ask? Is it because we can sing?

Dear incognitus:

Q: "Are you a Catholic?"

A: "Sure. What's more, we're on the cutting edge. We're using the new Liturgy that the Pope hopes to see all Catholics use in the near future. But keep it under your hat, it's supposed to be a secret."

In Christ,

BOB

+ + +

LOLOLOL!!! ROFLOL!!! I think I can add a couple to 10 ways to 'burn your bridge' with the bishop and never get ordained!

1. tell him your wife and you are joined at the hip and need an array of specially made vestements to accomodate her. -- uhhh it helps to bring your wife with you on this one... and sit realllly close.

2. mention your most recent stay in rehab was not too successful

3. about burning down the half way house


oh well sorry - I must go now. I do have a couple other better ones, but there are a three little ones wandering around at the moment (my roommates children).


toodles & God bless, sUSAn

p.s. I'll get back to it some other time.
ttfn