To Alex, Thought that you might like the latest news report from the Onion Dome's news reporter in Ukraine! hehehe! 
Ukrainian Catholics, Orthodox Hold Friendly Football Match Without Spitting, Swearing May 28, 2004
In a move which nobody expected north or south of the Vatican, a group of Ukrainian Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox parishioners held a friendly football (soccer) match and picnic lunch this past week in Kyiv (aka Kiev) without spitting or swearing at each other.
“I guess we've come a long way since the last time they tried this,” said Orthodox priest Father Pavel (of the K'van Caves) Lvovsk.
“When was that?” asked our intrepid Onion Dome editor.
“1611,” said Fr. Pavel.
“It was lovely day,” said Roman Catholic parishioner Lyuba (the martyr) Minskaya. “I was amazed that Orthodox actually ate and drank like normal people. All my life I'd been told they were bodiless demons.”
“I was very surprised that their teeth were normal and not sharp and pointy like vampire's teeth,” said Orthodox parishioner Lyuba (the other martyr) Smolenskaya. “Some of them are actually very nice people.”
“Is outrage!” opined Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC) spokesman and parish priest Father Vasiliy Vasileivich of Australia.
“Please not to say "of Australia,'” said Fr. Vasiliy. “I am of Russia, but in Australia.”
“Actually right now you're in Ukraine,” pointed out our intrepid Onion Dome editor.
“Smart-alecky intrepid reporter!” exaspirated Fr. Vasiliy.
“So where's the outrage?” prompted our intrepid editor.
“Getting along with Latins! Is ecumenist heresy! Orthodox are meant to snarl teeth and spit at Latins, not play football and have picnic lunch!”
“Surely that's a bit harsh? Are they not also God's rational sheep?” asked Smolenskaya.
“God's irrational sheep, more like it,” mumbled Fr. Vasiliy.
“You don't have to live in same city, go to same market, with them,” said Smolenskaya. “You live in nice comfy cushy foreign city and can spit all you want about persons living thousands of miles away. Here we must live side-by-side with Latins, and is much easier to do so when we are getting along well enough to have football and picnic.”
“Was it football and picnic with heretics in 19th Century Russia?” demanded Fr. Vasiliy.
“Is it 19th Century Russia?” retorted Smolenskaya. “No. Is 21st Century Ukraine.”
“I have lost argument to woman,” conceded Fr. Vasiliy. “Is shameful day.”
“I heard that!” said Matushka Svetlana Vasileivich, Fr. Vasiliy's wife.
“Is double trouble,” admitted Fr. Vasilily.
“Is triple trouble unless you apologize for smearing good name of womankind,” warned Matushka Svetlana.
“I am sorry, Matushka,” said Fr. Vasiliy sheepishly.
“You may be priest and head of church and family, but do not forget that you were born of woman and your children were born of woman.”
“Yes, Matushka,” said Fr. Vasiliy.
“Now, what is this about eating with heterodox?!” demanded Matushka Svetlana. “Surely you did not pray with them over meal?”
“No of course not!” said Smolenskaya. “Their priest prayed with them, and our priest prayed with us.”
“Is good!” said Matushka Svetlana.
“Of course they prayed at same time and said same exact words,” noted Smolenskaya.
“They were not mentioning Pope in Rome?” asked Matushka Svetlana.
“Not during prayer for meal,” said Minskaya.
“All is well. We go now,” said Matushka Svetlana, dragging Fr. Vasiliy back to their hotel.
“Goodbye and God bless you!” shouted Fr. Vasiliy over his retreating shoulder.
“That man is living in past,” noted Smolenskaya.
“Have you seen 21st Century Australia?” asked our intrepid editor.
“No,” admitted Smolenskaya.
“The past must seem infinitely more comfortable to him,” observed our intrepid editor.
“Is possibly so. Our past is not so comfortable. We hope future will be more comfortable,” said Minskaya.
“Will churches get back together? This is up to bishops,” noted Smolenskaya. “But in meantime we can play football and eat picnic lunch. This is not heresy. This is sharing, as much as we are able, Christian charity.”
“So are you going to have another football match?” asked our intrepid editor.
“Yes, rematch is coming,” said Minskaya. “Orthodox football team cheats. We must show them who is superior football team.”
“Cheats? You crazy papist!” shouted Smolenskaya. “Our team plays according to real rules.”
“You crazy schismatic! Real rules are given by Pope in Rome, not crazy Greek in Istanbul,” shouted Minskaya.
“Now, now, ladies!” interrupted our intrepid editor.
“Is not Istanbul! Is Constantinople!” shouted Smolenskaya.
“Ladies, ladies!” shouted our intrepid editor. “What is the problem with the rules?”
“They add word,” sniffed Smolenskaya.
“But ball does proceed from goal-line,” observed Minskaya.
“Proceeds only from goal-keeper,” insisted Smolenskaya.
“It's deja vu all over again!” noted our intrepid editor.
“See you at next week's rematch! We will kick your schismatic Orthodox bottoms!” said Minskaya.
“Bring your papist Latin bottoms to our field next week,” said Smolenskaya, “And we will see who can really play football.”
“Don't forget recipe for piroshky you promised to bring,” added Minskaya.
“Of course! And you please to bring recipe for blini,” pleaded Smolenskaya.
“Goodbye!” said the two ladies, bursting into tears and hugging each other like long lost schoolmates.
“Isn't that beautiful?” sobbed our intrepid editor.
“Papist,” sneered Smolenskaya.
“Schismatic,” countered Minskaya.
“This is a strange country,” observed our intrepid editor.
“Is not!” shouted both ladies. “Take this back!”
“Sorry,” apologized our intrepid editor.
Reutorooters and Untied Press Interrational contributed sour cream to this article.
This report was filed by intrepid Onion Dome editor Alex Riggle
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Copyright � 2002-2004 Alex Riggle. All rights reserved.
