www.byzcath.org Forums Faith & Christian Life Prayer Melancholia

I'm not sure whether to put this in the prayer forum or the Town hall, other topics forum. For the past 2 or 3 weeks, I've been a bit melancholy. I do suffer from depression, but this is not a deep depression. Still, it feels like a combination of acadeia, discouragement, pessimism, and a feeling that everything beautiful I see is fleeting.

I didn't make the final cut for the Emory Job that I had mentioned, which is fine. I accept that as God's will. But, I'm discouraged in my teaching (most of my students are doing very poorly this semester and don't seem too enthusiastic about philosophy, or any kind of thinking for that matter). I still find myself melancholy about the divisions among Christians and even divisions within our families. I'm finding that I don't have enough hours in the day to work on my dissertation, I'm getting older (most of my students are young enough to be children), and I find myself to be affected by much of the skeptical philosophy that I must read. I suppose that acadeia, the "noonday demon" is the best way to describe it. Just a prayer for perseverence would be great. I light a candle each Sunday and remember you all in my intentions. Be blessed.

Joe

My humble prayers for you. May your spirits be lifted by the intercessions of all the Saints whom you hold dear.

It seems that people with a sensitive disposition sometimes have days or periods of time with minor depression like this, sometimes for good reason, and at other times for no reason at all.

God bless you and may you never fall into true despair. A very holy monastic father I met at a time where there was very good reason to fall into despair, urged me to continue saying the Jesus Prayer as often as possible and to do daily prostrations--even if you don't feel spiritually compelled to.

Despair, or the loss of hope, is of the evil one, and he explained that this rule will help keep the evil one away...along with confession and Holy Communion, ofcourse.

I also find that when I thank God for each one of my blessings by name it helps.

Also, since you are a recent convert, make sure that the church and priest you have found are a good and comfortable fit for you. This is something that both committed cradles and converts need to be intune to.

In the Risen Christ,
Alice

Joe,

Have you given any thought to the possibility that this is a conversion call. A move to something spiritually much deeper than what you are doing at the moment?

Mary

Joe,

I offer my prayers for you too. I myself have suffered from dystimia, and have been on and off medicine much of my adult life. I find recitation of the Paraclesis helpful during some down times.

I will pray for you, my dear brother. Hang in there!

Lance

Thank you Alice.

Your words are wise. One thing that I find that also helps me is to realize that each "down" period will only last awhile, so I simply need to persevere. Actually, my new spiritual father is quite attuned to my condition and I've shared with him practically my whole life. I think he occasionally suffers discouragement as well since we are such a small parish in a predominantly southern baptist state. Right now, there are only 2 families attending regularly, so we have about 10-12 people on average each Sunday. He actually has two parishes and has to travel 50 miles between them each Sunday to celebrate Liturgy. Without going into all the details, there was apparently some negativity going on in the few years before I joined the parish and many members left and founded a new parish in a different jurisdiction. Apparently, they were unhappy with the Antiochian notion of oiconomia (permitting Vesperal Liturgies, not having a curtain on the iconostasis, etc.) and wanted a more "pure" Orthodox Church. It is all very sad and distressing. One thing I can say is that I know that I did not leave the Melkite Church for a more exciting parish. The local Melkite parish is thriving with 2 priests and 3 deacons and God bless them. I love them very much. But, in a way, it comforts me to know that I wasn't leaving for illusory greener pastures. In fact, I think that God probably does want us to stay here for awhile and help build up the parish. But I am just guessing at all of this. Thank you for your prayers.

Joe

Yes, I have Mary. I am working with my spiritual father and I am considering the priesthood as a vocation. The next 3-4 years is a period of discernment for me. Sometimes, being patient is hard though.

Joe

Thanks Lance My official diagnosis is clinical depression and OCD. I wouldn't be suprised if it was dystimia, though I have occasional manic episodes. This could be the OCD though.

Joe

Joe,

People who have suffered emotionally or mentally often make the best clergy or therapists. They have a keen sense of empathy. the Holy Spirit can use this dark night to transform you into a vessel of grace for others. I hope this does not come off glib; I have found this to be the case in my own life. As the months and years come and go, I am sure many of us will with joy follow your movement toward the presbyterate.

Blessings,

Lance

for joy and smile in your soul and heart , I pray

I offer my prayers for your depression through the intercession of St. Dymphna. I offer my prayers for your discernment through the intercession of St. Ignatius of Antioch. And I offer my prayers for your general well being and for your family through the intercession of St. Joseph the Worker, whose feast the Latin Church celebrates today.

Hang in there, remember that many of the celebrated Latin Saints such as John of the Cross and Mother Teresa had the same problem. You're in good company.

God Bless You,

Dr. Eric

Joe,

I empathize with you since I have been diagnosed with dysthymia, major depression and bi-polar disorder. I don't know about you, but I find it hard to write about my experience, nevertheless, I find that writing (in my case poetry) can be a wonderful release and help me focus. I offer my prayers for you for a quick rebound.

Your friend,

Jason

All of you, you have my blessings, my gratitude, and my love. I am weeping so please forgive me if I am overly sentimental.

My wife and I spoke about this tonight. I poured out my heart to her. I really believe that there are only two possibilities to explain what is going on with me. Either God is calling me, saying, "You will never be happy until you become one of my priests and preach my Gospel," or God will, in time, chasten me for having such proud and vain thoughts.

There is only one answer. That is the Gospel. Either Christ is risen from the dead or we are hopeless and I cannot see things any other way. I have sinned. I have been intemperate with my remarks about President Bush and others. Though I stand by everything I've said, I must be clear that President Bush is a baptized Christian and brother in Christ and no matter what his sins are, mine are equal if not greater. And so, I realize that politics is not the answer. Educational reform is not the answer. Economic reform is not the answer. The war on terror is not the answer. There is only one answer.

The Gospel is the answer. Either Christ is risen from the dead or all is lost, all is hopeless, and we are fools, most especially me.

I am grateful. I am most grateful because when I poured out my heart to my wife, she understood. She understood that I cannot be happy unless I believe that I am doing God's will. She understands that this could mean a test of faith for us and that she would have to deal with her own insecurities regarding finances. I am grateful because she agrees with me that our families, more than anything else, need conversion to Christ.

She even suggested to me that she was thinking that the reason that I did not get the job and the reason I am dissatisfied with my current work situation is that God has other plans and he wants us to prepare for them. I don't know what to say. I bottle up things inside of me and rarely do I let them out because I feel guilty or selfish when I do. But, what can I do? If God has called me to preach the Gospel, then what can I do? What else is important?

I have thought since I was 15 years old that perhaps I was called to be a pastor or missionary. When I became Catholic, I realized that this was not possible. I emailed and corresponded with his grace, Bishop Elya and he made it clear that it was not possible. Don't misunderstand. I have no resentment. I regard his excellency with the upmost respect and I think that he is a beautiful and holy man. I know that he was doing what he thought was best within the limits of what he was allowed according to Rome.

When I decided to become Orthodox, I had no conscious intention of becoming a priest (whether I had an unconscious intention I don't know). I did so out of conscience, after 5 or more years of consulting with my spiritual fathers, reading, and praying. Only after I became Orthodox did God stir up in me this desire. I believe now that there are only two possible reasons for this. Either God wants me to be a priest (which is my hope) or God wants to chasten me for my pride, vanity, and selfishness. If the latter be the case, then God help me. Please pray that I will be able to endure it.

If in three years, Bishop Antoun says "No," then I will accept it. Just pray for me that I will be able to endure it because it will go against the passion of my heart.

I think to myself, that any sermon I preach, I will have to conclude "by the way, I am a hypocrite." Because there is simply not one commandment that I have not violated in some way. Please, I know I sound ridiculous, but I don't weep often and I don't pour forth my heart like this very often. I am beside myself and I feel like a fool.

I am a fool. Everything I say, I mean everything, is from my heart. Whether it is right or it is sinful. I am so filled with grief and it is not all for myself. I have been given the grace to grieve as much for the suffering of the world as for myself, and I realize that it is for my salvation. If I only grieved for myself, then I would be on the quickest road to hell.

I am overjoyed. I am overjoyed in that my wife has confered with me and given me her full support. Perhaps, that is what is most important.

I fear that I am too passionate and too ridiculous to be a priest. And, I fear too that I am too vain. Perhaps this is my obsessiveness. I am also a perfectionist. Fortunately, I am only a perfectionist toward myself and no one else. So I've no inclination to torment anyone else but myself. Indeed, my children are growing up far more well adjusted than I was. Well, I feel like I'm talking foolishness. Forgive me.

joe

Dear Joe,

God bless you, your wife and your children. You have a beautiful soul. Have patience...and faith. The road is often quite rocky, but you must persevere in our Lord. How blessed your are to have such a wonderful, caring, committed, and selfless wife, friend, and life partner to share your joys and your burdens of life with.

Tears are cathartic and humbling...and God will not spurn a humble heart.

He will lead you and let you know where He wants your life to go.

From what I know of you on this forum, and EVEN MORE, from what you said in your every single word above, I know that you would make a great priest!...

....but can you sing?!? *wink* (only teasing)

(I always think how hard a prerequisite that must be for those who want to be Orthodox priests!)

We love you in Christ,
Alice

My heartfelt prayers for you.

God bless,

Porter

Now why does this not come as a great surprise?

Time will tell, and till then I will keep you close in prayer.

Mary