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Paddy Irishman died and went up to heaven where St Peter greeted him.

"And who are you?" asked St Peter.

"My name is Peter O'Toole"

"And what did you do for a living?" asked St Peter.

"I was unemployed"

"Unemployed hmmm?" mused St Peter. "And have you ever done anything good in your life?"

"As a matter of fact I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenceless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off by his hair, kicked him hard where it hurts and told him and his gang to clear off."

"That's highly commendable,� said St Peter, flicking through the man's file, "but I don't see any record of this incident. When did it happen?"

"About five minutes ago"

I'm a quarter Irish (and a quarter Highland Scottish), so being half Gaelic I've always had an affinity for Irish culture, jokes, the whole bit.

Alexis

And what is the most useless thing in the world to a woman on Saturday night?

An Irishman . . .

LOL!

Seamus was at the pub drinking away and Father O'Malley (I was going to write Kelleher ) came in to talk to him about his drinking.

Father O'Malley orders a glass of Jameson and pulls out a worm from his pocket. He drops the worm in the glass of the whiskey and the worms flails about for a while and then dies.

Father O'Malley said to Seamus "Now, my son, what does that tell you?"

Seamus replied, "That's easy Father, if you drink whiskey you won't get worms!"

Dr. Eric,

Perhaps Seamus was not as stupid as one might think at first glance.

Drinking alchohol has been known to kill harmful parasites in the human body. (I have read that for this reason, saki, the powerful Japanes wine is drunk (sp?) with sushi).

Alice

Unfortunately for the Japanese, they have the highest rates of stomach cancer in the world, and the highest rates of parasitic worms.

(It's the raw fish they eat.)

Really?

So you mean the saki doesn't help?!?

Oh well-- forget that false factoid.

I don't drink, and I don't eat raw sushi anymore, so personally, I don't care.

Alice

P.S. What exactly is the high rate of stomach cancer attributed to?

A rich Texan walks into a pub in Dublin, and loudly says "I hear you Irish fellas can really drink", to which he get's many answers of "Aye tis true we can indeed". The rich Texan than opens his wallet and says "I got 10.000 American dollars for any man who can down 10 pints of Guinness in 60 seconds" Immediately a little fellow runs out the door, while the Texan waits in vain for someone to take him up on his offer. After a few minutes the Texan sits down at the bar and he's on his first drink when the little Irishman returns breathing heavily. "Excuse me, but is the offer to drink 10 pints of Guinness in 60 seconds still on" he asks. "It is" replies the Texan, and so, quickly the bartender lines up 10 pints for the wee fellow. In rapid succession all 10 bottles are emptied completely with time to spare, and so the amazed Texan reaches into his wallet and hands the little Irishman a large wad of bills. "Tell me son" asks the Texan "Where did you have to run off to in such a hurry when I first made the offer ?". Smiling shyly the fellow answers "I had to go to the pub across the street first to see if I could do the trick".

Paddy walked into a bar and ordered 3 pints of Guinness.

The bartender asked, "One at a time, or all at once?"

"All at once," says Paddy. "I've just moved to the States and me brothers and me decided that each day we'd sit down and have a pint together. So one's for me, one's for me brother Sean, and the other is for me brother Kevin."

OK, thought the barman. And this ritual continued for over a year, with Paddy drinking 3 pints everyday.

One day, Paddy came in and said, "2 pints of Guinness, please."

This, obviously, caused a stir in the bar -- had one of the brothers died? What was the matter?

So the intrepid barman, whilst delivering the 2 pints, says, "Paddy, I'm sorry about your loss... I'm sorry to hear one of your brother's died."

Paddy starts and says, "My brother didn't die. My doctor said I had to quit drinking."

Alice,

The cancer is probably due to the extremely high stress the people live under which is correlated with the increase of Helicobactor pylori in the stomach. Then there is the higher rate of cigarette cmoking, the higher consumption of pickled and salted meats, the fact that the seas are poluted and the fish contain way too many toxic chemicals in them and the fact that raw meat can have parasites in it that should be cooked out of them!!!

Here's a Scottish joke, that's not for the feint of heart.

A Scotsman walks into a bar with a steering wheel tied onto the front of his kilt.

The barman asks, "Why do you have a steering wheel tied in front of your kilt?"

The Scotsman says, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"

In my version, Paddy gives up drinking for Lent.

Guiness in a bottle?

Two Irishmen were sitting in a bar and being the only two there that afternoon, they inevitably struck up a conversation.

Irishman A: Are you from Ireland?
Irishman B: I am.
A: Me too! Whereabouts?
B: Galway City.
A: I'm from Galway, too! Where in Galway?
B: Down by the quays.
A: Get out. I am too.
B: You are? Do you know Mr. Seamus Connolly?
A: Seamus Connolly? Seamus Connolly is my father!
B: Your father? Seamus Connolly's MY father!

At which point a newcomer asks the barman: What's going on there?

The barman answers, "Oh, the Connolly twins are drunk again."