www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall top 10 mistakes that brides (and grooms) make

I just read the stupidest article. It lists the top mistakes that brides make . . . preparing for the wedding. Those of us who are/were married might have a different opinion on the matter of the top ten mistakes that brides and grooms can make.

The story is at
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationsh....aspx?cp-documentid=4845421&g1=32303

The "top mistakes that brides make" was listing mistakes about planning the wedding. What nonsense !

I've been married and divorced, and I've seen others go through the same, and I've seen others remain married for decades.

Based on that, here is my own "top mistakes list." I would love to hear yours too.



Top Mistakes that Brides (and Grooms) Can Make


1. Thinking that Marriage is about the Wedding instead of Spending the Rest of Your Lives Together
People idiotically spend thousands of dollars on a party that they can't afford. But, they fail to spend even a small percentage of that time, money and effort on determining if the couple are a good match AND on how the couple will actually make a joint life after the wedding. In other words, hardly anyone is planning on the day after: the day after the wedding or the day after the honeymoon. Hence, here are some other mistakes . . .


2. Believing that Love Conquers All
In a sublime sense, yes, it can be said that love conquers all. Christ, for example, did rise on the third day. However, first He had to go through the crucifixion. Well, there are plenty of crucifixions (figuratively) in life. The trick is not whether we shall suffer, because life contains suffering, sacrifice and hardship. There is always a measure of suffering for success, in raising children, in paying the bills, in taking care of one's family, etc. Instead, the real trick is: how well do we suffer. When we suffer, how do we respond? Do we escape? Through drugs, drinking, blaming others, mistresses or lovers, financial irresponsibility, etc.? Or, do we face it and deal with it and be productive (to the extent we can), while being and morally good and even compassionate? Then, and only then, does "love conquer all" -- because love is not just a feeling; it is also (and mostly) a choice. In short, instead of trying to discern the latest wedding styles, the couple should try to discern how each other understands love AND suffering and how they perform under pressure as well as during good times. Which leads me to . . .


3. Ignoring Compatibility
Is the couple really compatible? Instead of spending untold time in picking compatible napkins for the tablecloth at the wedding reception, the could should spend time in discerning if they are compatible --a good match-- with each other. Compatibility has something to do with sharing common interests, activities, and views. It has also has to do with emotional maturity and compatibility. How does each person manage powerful emotions such as anger or fear or happiness? It also has to do with psychological maturity: in other words, how dominated by the passions is each person? It also has a lot to do with how people communicate and how they handle conflict. It also has to do with life goals (what do you want out of life) and how to manage changes as those goals change, as those people change. It especially has to do with children: if you want any, how many, how to raise them, etc. It has to do with measuring past performance with present claims and future plans: is a person really as reliable and as capable as he or she says? And, surprisingly, it also has to do with religion. It's a lot deeper than creedal statements and which house of worship one attends; instead, religion has to do with the ultimate issues of life: why am I here? what does it all mean? what is the point? And so on. Instead of discerning shades of color for bridesmaids dresses or the brands of beer for the stag party, perhaps people could look at each other and try to size each other up as potential business partners . . . because that's exactly what they will be if they get married: partners in the business of life. In any business, the question becomes "Show me the money." But for a lot of couples, the issue instead is . . .


4. Failing to Financially Plan for the Marriage.
Can the couple support themselves? Are they doing so already? If not, is there realistic (measurable?) evidence that strongly suggests future financial success? Are they saving money? Are they budgeting money: for groceries, rent, utilities, health insurance, buying a house, saving for their children's upbringing (do they realize how expensive it is to have a baby?), saving for their children's education (college isn't cheap), saving for their own retirement? Do they understand the hidden cost of monthly payment plans (like for cable TV or for cable modem) or for entertainment (games, going out, etc.) that takes away monthly income from potential investments or from paying off their house sooner? Heck, can they manage a credit card and a car payment (and car insurance)? If they get laid off from work (which is common anymore), do they have a sensible back-up plan ? Etc. Money is one of the most important things in making a household a successful enterprise, and it is one of the most common (and divisive) issues in homes. If we, the grown ups, really cared about the kids (and others) who want to get married, we would talk A LOT MORE about money management in marriage preparation classes: the all-important basics of financial planning for a household and for the future. We could also consider pooling our money and, instead of spending thousands of dollars on a wedding, we could spend the same money on a down payment on a home for the couple, so the couple could begin to build financial equity immediately.


5. Failing to Know How to Cook
Can either person cook? It sounds silly, but people have to eat --three times per day, optimally-- and someone has to prepare that food. And it's a whole lot cheaper to cook at home than to eat in a restaurant. It's also usually more nutritious. And that issue gets to a host of ordinary, day to day, real life issues. Who will do the household chores? (Cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, car maintenance, etc.) Who will actually pay the bills and keep the budget and keep the books? Who will research insurance and investments? Who will administer health care when an illness or injury is not to severe for a doctor? Who will maintain family relationships by mailing cards and letters and arranging family gatherings and holidays? Etc. Often, these tasks fall to the wife; but couples can't assume anything. And then there is the issue of sex. It's important, but I put it at the bottom of the list in order to emphasize the importance of everything else. The couple should agree not only on the kind of sex and frequency of sex. Much more importantly, they should agree to be faithful to each other, and (dare I say it) to God.

Well, that is my listing of top mistakes that brides and grooms can make. I'll let others complete the list with their own top five mistakes.

In sum, I think we as a culture put entirely too much attention on "falling in love" and the wedding; and we put entirely too little attention on making the marriage work. Marriage is a practical enterprise. Yet, people pay more attention to their mortgages and to their cars and to their weddings than to the practical business of life and picking the right life partners. And the divorce rate is 50% ? Go figure.

-- John

Thank you for this post; I've found it *very* informative and helpful. (I'm a single college freshman.)

Regarding point number five - I once served a wedding for a young couple who had seemed sensible and well-behaved. Then, as the car was pulling out of the driveway, new husband at the wheel, to take the happy couple off on their honeymoon, the bride suddenly leaned out the window and yelled frantically to her mother: "Mom! How do you cook?".

No one ever forget that one - nor did anyone allow the wife to forget it either. I'm happy to report that both of them eventually became good cooks, and the marriage has lasted well.

Fr. Serge

I would add one to that list: misunderstanding what Love is.

The failure to understand that love is organic and the mistake in pinning love to a feeling.

Good thing my wife already knew how to cook. My expanding belly is testament to that!

My Russian aunt says that a big belly is called a man's "authority" in Russia!

Dr. Eric

Who has a little "authority"

I'd like to add that sharing religious beliefs is very very important. I grew up in a mixed household which was/is a heavy stressor in the family. Compounding the fact, my in-laws are all Pentecostal and it creates an unusual situation for my kids.

In response to the cooking analogy, my father tells of when my parents were first married and back from their honeymoon. My mother was not the most astute at the fine culinary arts as of then. They had received a rotisserie as a wedding gift that came complete with a cookbook for it. My mother decided that she was going cook a chicken in it, and read the directions. Instead of noting that the chicken should cook at 10 minutes per pound, she took it to mean the chicken should cook for 10 minutes. Needless to say after that dinner, that and many other appliances meant for cooking where promptly stored in the attic, and the purchase of a proper cookbook was made. Hence, my father and the rest of us survived numerous cooking adventures from my mother since, with my parents celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary together (and without any cases of food poisoning).

In IC XC,
Father Anthony+

1.) Failing to know how to do laundry or housework.
A messy house is a very stressful thing on both the husband and the wife. In our house, it's usually my job; but it's so sweet when my husband does a load of laundry or dishes just to be helpful when I've been out with the kids all day or running other errands (he telecommutes and so it's possible for him -- certainly not expected, but possible).

2.) Failing to have patience with other foibles. I told a friend that there was not a tag in an article of clothing he wore that states "Cape does not enable user to fly." It's nice to remember that about one's spouse. My husband gave me a pack of diaper pins and a new bath towel a few weeks ago to remind me of that when I was trying to do too much.

3.) A sense of humor is essential. See above.

4.) Do not become a work-a-holic. Your spouse should not compete for attention with your work. On occasion, work does become long and the hours onerous. My husband travels often and his hours are long more than I should like. However, we have worked out a schedule where he spends time with the children and me so that we have a good family life together and the work gets done and the bills get paid. We don't live palatially and don't want to. There are trade-offs and we are happy to make them.

5.) Your intimate life is essential and sacred between the two of you...not your mother, mother-in-law, best friend, BB-chat friends et al. The only other person I could see discussing it with is your priest if there are troubles. In my husband's line of work this is referred to as a "sharing violation." T.M.I.

For us, the sense of humor and patience has been paramount to tackle the interesting challenges that have been presented to us in our life together. We've had 14 great years so far. I pray to God we have many, many, many more.

Take care and God bless,
Missy.

Commitment - A young man on a talk show recently said that in his first marriage he had married not "until death do us part" but "until we stop loving one another." My first sister-in-law jokingly said that her marriage vows would be "until the first good fight." She also said while we were dressing for the wedding that she was "making the biggest mistake of my life." I told her if that was how she felt, she should just call it off. Five years later she did.

John et al.:

Loved this thread. Copied it and sent it to my daughter, newly engaged, and her fiance.

Lots to ponder here.

The cooking suggestion reminded me of a story about a couple who were divorced some years ago--after a month of "wedded bliss"--because neither of them knew how to cook. The wife said she'd been raised to believe that she was not to wait on her husband; he said he was raised to believe that a woman's place was . . .

Well you get the drift.

BOB

I love to cook, and so does my wife. I just wonder how fat we will become; there is a downside for the love of cooking if you can have more than Mac and Cheese for dinner.

Kidding aside, I really like the suggestion of "do not become a work-a-holic". That can be very tempting for a guy who shows his love through providing luxury to his family. I have been tempted to venture out in the restaurant business, but it would cost me 60-80 hours a week and I would not be happy with that.

Terry

And here is an interesting article for men about the value of marriage and the imprtance of "shifting gears" from work-mind to home-mind when coming home at the end of the day.

http://men.msn.com/articlemh.aspx?cp-documentid=1033113&page=1

-- John

I'd revise the list to: #1: Not marrying me!

Big mistake ladies

Ha! That's a good one.

Ah shucks, you heartbreaker you!

Cooking--can't stresss how important it is. Just this afternoon my brothers and sisters and I were together and laughing about everything, as usual. One of the stories that sent us all on the floor was when my brother Joe got married and his new wife asked him how he liked his tea and he replied "I don't know. Mom always makes it just right." So my sister in law promptly called my mother to find out what her new husband likes in his tea. Shame on my brother for not knowing. And shame on my mother (God rest her soul) for spoiling him that way!

My dad and mom both cooked and taught all of us kids. In fact, my dad was a cook (not a chef, a cook) in New York City in the 1930's. So the kids (except for the above mentioned brother) learned how to cook at an early age. Including the great Carpatho-Rusyn specialties of pirohi, bobalki, hirka, lokshi and holupki. My eldest brother even makes his own maple syrup.

On the other hand, two of my Dad's brothers couldn't even open up a can of Campbell's soup for themselves or make a pot of coffee. Shame on them for not learning. One of my Aunt's called my mother pig biting mad once because she had had the flu and could barely manage to stay conscious and her husband wanted to know when she was going to get out of bed and make him his breakfast. He was hungry. My mom's reply---"It's your own fault! His mom made him that way, but you are allowing him to stay that way!" Mom always had lots of common sense. She just didn't follow it herself, sometimes!

Tim

Here is a link to another good article about marriage. It is written for a female audience, but it can be useful to anyone.

Eight Things No One Tells You about Marriage [lifestyle.msn.com]

-- John

You not only marry him/her but you also marry his/her whole family!!!

"One of my Aunt's called my mother pig biting mad once because she had had the flu and could barely manage to stay conscious and her husband wanted to know when she was going to get out of bed and make him his breakfast. He was hungry."

I work with a guy who would do that. It's good for husbands to know how to cook. Cooking isn't rocket science.

Terry