...His spiritual image is especially vividly manifested in connection with the question of appointing a Russian bishop for the exarchate. This is how he is expressed in letters to Metropolitan Sheptytsky dated April 6, 1922 and July 1, 1923:
"You write" ut exsarcha fiat episcopus "(let the exarch become a bishop) ... Do not accuse me, dear Vladyka, of cowardice, of a desire to throw off a heavy burden from myself, from my shoulders and lay it on someone else. I remember what I promised You will not give up the episcopacy when necessary, but
these five years of my hierarchical ministry have shown me that I am completely unsuitable for this great dignity ... I do not have the most essential properties necessary for a bishop, I, unfortunately, do not even the spirit of love for my faithful, there is little spirit of prayer, there is no firm, unshakable will to carry out my reforms, there is no perspicacity and knowledge of people, the ability not only to "lead your own line", but also to inspire it to others ...
I have no love for human society. They rightly say about me that "he is a martyr, but not an organizer" in the very sense that I am, of course, hardy, but I do not know how to force those around me to be imbued with my ideas ...
How grateful I am to the Creator that you then (that is, when you were appointed exarch) held your right hand and did not put it on me. I do not belong, as you know, to those hypocritically modest subjects who, having declared with a cry and sobbing about their unworthiness, then humbly substitute "your own" under the omophorion. I am a man of sound and dry mind, which makes me take seriously every work, and especially the work of the Holy Church. If I am a good preacher, I have a detailed knowledge of the Eastern Church, I can serve well and feel the spirit of the Eastern rite; if I am patient like a donkey and know how to bend in all directions; if I sometimes develop great energy, defending the Church and do not spare strength and health for this,
this is not yet a patent for a bishopric. All this can be done with success by any priest ...
They will tell you about my love, kindness, they will extol my meekness and patience, they will even talk about my ability to penetrate the human soul. But all these are just my individual efforts, virtus ex necessitate (efforts of necessity), efforts that do not fit into my essence are never made by my inner "I" ... I strictly checked myself and came to the conviction that "born crawl, cannot fly. "
I may be the ideal creator of other people's assignments, but not the creator, and not Israel, struggling with God, but Job, lying on the rot. I have mastered Western thought and clarity, but the flabby oriental nature is firmly entrenched in me and does not lend itself to any influences.
A book, a cell, a quiet standing in the kliros and endless services, and above all loneliness and flight from people - this is my atmosphere ... But I cannot combine the apostolic life with the contemplative one. You know how much I love the Jesuits, but I will never dare to join their order, tk. this ideal is unattainable for me ... The hardest thing for me is people ...
In these difficult years, sometimes broken and exhausted, instead of going to bed, I sat in a chair and in complete silence and loneliness, in the light of only lamps, sat in a chair for two or three hours and enjoyed solitude. I realized that I was completely cut off from the world, I hardly thought about anything and looked at the face of Christ, illuminated by the quiet light of the lamp ... "all is vanity and vexation of the spirit." What a sheer truth.
An indefinable craving for monasticism and solitude is growing in me so much that I no longer think about the Studites [the monastic oriental order restored by Father Clement, brother of Metropolitan Andrey Sheptytsky], but about the Kamaldul [hermit monks] ...
Brought up in the rules of strict discipline , I do not understand at all how a subordinate can disobey his boss. And at a time when a real bishop, taking into account human weaknesses, must bring the unconquered to the senses by means of fatherly love influence, I am only able to punish him ...
For Russia, as a bishop, now a saint is needed, filled with gravitate sacerdotali (priestly authority), perspicacious, firm, able to inspire respect for himself ...
I can still manage to stretch out for several years as an exarch, but take on such an enormous responsibility , i.e. to be the first Eastern bishop in Russia is beyond my strength ... "
Source. [
catholic.ru]