www.byzcath.org Forums Faith & Christian Life Prayer For choosing the right wife

How does one know to choose the right women for marriage? I want to do God's will, but I'm not sure if the girl I know at work is right women to marry? For some reason, I had a thought of marrying her when I first met her? Please I need your prayer and advice.

God bless

CC:

Try to find a book I'm getting for my own son: "The ABCs of Chosing a Good Wife," by Stephen Wood. Try Leaflet Missal Company, 1-800-328-9582.

Also find the thread here that mentions the idea of giving up "dating" as another good start.

Above all, keep praying for guidance.

In Christ,

BOB

Thank you Bob for your advice.

Please keep me in your prayers.

CC:

Rest assured you will be part of my prayers. It seems to me, listening to my own son, that the finding of a spouse is especially difficult in this current culture we find ourselves in.

Some of the stories my son has related have made my hair stand on end. He's been in some very "down" moods after some of his dating experiences. He's had negative experiences with some of the internet services that claim to match people with similar values and expectations.

But my advice has been, "be patient; keep praying; let the Lord send you the one He knows is one who will be able to help you with mutual sanctification in your marriage." Believe it or not, this last is very important in the current climate. A spouse who does not share your faith or who is, at best, nominal in her faith can damage your growth in Christ and will, certainly, not be one who will help you nurture children in the Faith.

In Christ,

BOB

May our Good Lord who has chosen your spouce since before the time of your conception, make your heart set on her alone and likewise hers on you alone. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mervy on Chaldean Catholic and make straight his path. Amen.

In him do we have our going in and our coming out

Mark 6:30-32 [NRSV]

30 The apostles gathered around Jesus, and told him all that they had done and taught. 31 He said to them, "Come away to a deserted place all by yourselves and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. 32 And they went away in the boat to a deserted place by themselves....

Pray before the Tabernacle at Church, get alone with Jesus and he will let you know.
Pani Rose

May I suggest a small book by Erick Fromm entitled �The Art of Loving�.

No, further, in your position - I demand that your read The Art of Loving.

It is required reading in some seminaries.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...732868?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

To such an extent that if you do not have the money for it - I will buy it for you and you can pay me back 80 years from now when you are married to the same woman and she is your best friend in the whole world.

-ray

Pray, pray, pray, discuss with a priest you trust (or spiritual father if you are so gifted) pray some more.

With reading suggestions, try David Copperfield by Dickens. It has much to say about life and love and making marital decisions.

Love at first sight exists; I know from personal experience. But, love alone is insufficient for a successful marriage. There must also be compatibility and commitment. I know this also from personal experience.

I am divorced man, so I can�t give advice from a position of success. However, I can offer advice from the lessons of my failures and from the lessons of others� successful marriages.

It seems that successful marriages have three basic requirements:
1. Selfless Love
2. Compatibility
3. Commitment

And here are the ways to achieve those requirements:
1. Keep the Commandments.
2. Spend time with the other person.
3. Become best friends with the other person.

Here are my comments on each of these points.


1. Selfless Love, by Keeping the Commandments.

Marriage is about love. But what is love? Love is the selfless regard for the welfare of another. In other words, love *wants* what is best for another, and love *works* for what is best for another, *regardless* of the cost. That is selfless love.

However, we are all selfish. In one way or another, we are all held captive by the selfish nature of our passions. Our passions are not necessarily bad, but they make us think in terms of what do I want, what�s in it for me, etc. And that is the opposite of real, selfless love.

So, the real question is this: How can we overcome our the selfish nature of our passions, in order to truly love?

The answer is two-fold. First, we must become detached from our passions. In other words, we must control our passions instead of being controlled by our passions. Second, we must become strong in precisely the areas of our weakness.

How do we achieve dispassion and strength?

The solution is also two-fold. Keep the commandments. Ask God for His grace.

The commandments of God are, basically, an outline for how to live a good life. And that starts with overcoming our selfish tendencies. The commandments teach us the main points of selfishness and they tell us not to do them. To review, here are the Ten Commandments (as Roman Catholics reckon them):

1. Have no false gods before God.
2. Keep God�s name holy.
3. Keep God�s day (the Sabbath) holy.
4. Honor your father and your mother.
5. Do not kill.
6. Do not commit adultery. (That includes not having sex outside of marriage.)
7. Do not steal.
8. Do not bear false witness against your neighbor.
9. Do not covet your neighbor�s wife. (That includes forbidding pornography, dwelling on lustful thoughts, etc.)
10. Do not covet your neighbor�s goods.

If we keep the commandments, we will *force* ourselves to overcome our selfishness. Specifically, we will *force* ourselves to overcome the selfish nature of our passions.

The result of keeping the commandments is detachment from the passions. We will not be controlled by our passions; instead, we will control our passions. And that means, we are less likely to marry someone out of lust, infatuation or fear. It also means we will be more able to truly love, selflessly, without always wondering �what�s in it for me?�.

However, we often fail at keeping the commandments because human nature is weak. Our weaknesses are different from individual to individual, but we all are weak and limited in one way or another. Hence, keeping all the commandments, and all that they mean, if impossible for us.

The solution to our weakness is to ask God for His grace. As He taught to St. Paul, �My power is made perfect in weakness.� Put another way, we are not little gods living in our own little universes. We are a social species and a conscious species and, therefore, we are a moral species. And, we are limited. To overcome our limitations, we must turn to an outside source. That can be the environment and tools an people and so on. But what of the limitations of our hearts and of our souls? This we cannot overcome except by God: for God is the maker of human hearts, and God is the savior of human souls. Hence, to overcome our weakness, ultimately we need God�s help. And the fancy (but accurate) term for God�s help is grace. He will give us His help, if we ask for it.

When we ask for God�s grace, two good things happen. First, we realize our weaknesses. We are no longer hiding from them, and we are no longer pretending that they do not matter. Second, we are turning to the one person who will give us the strength that we need for us to overcome our weaknesses. Note: He will not always �fix� our weaknesses. That is our job. Instead, God gives us the strength so that *we* can overcome ourselves . . . and thereby better love one another. And the result of that is not only humility (which is required for love); it is also judgement. For by asking for God�s grace, we begin to understand with the mind of God.

Overcoming selfishness is lifelong work, but keeping the commandments is basic to that process. If you marry someone who does not keep the commandments, you are getting a person who is selfish and controlled by their passions. If you marry someone who keeps the commandments, you are getting someone who has a basic minimum ability to care about other people more than caring about themselves. Marriage is ultimately about two people sharing their hearts through life. It is the choices that we make in our hearts --keeping or breaking the commandments--that shapes our hearts. It really is as simple as that.


2. Compatibility, and Spending Time with Each Other

Love alone is insufficient for a marriage. There must also be compatibility. Two people who want to marry must spend time with each other in order to learn whether they are compatible for each other. That is more than the simple likes of romance.

Marriage is a practical business, and so too are the requirements. Is the man ready to protect and provide for his future wife and future children? Is the woman ready to take care of a family? Have the man and woman experienced each other in a variety of situations to see how they deal with stress and life in general? Have they seen each other angry ? Have they been angry at each other? Etc.

Unless the two people know each other, by spending time with each other and observing each other, they will not know if they are potentially compatible with each other. We test machines, we test buildings, we test everything that is important to determine if it is safe to use: before we use it. So too, we should test each other before we marry each other.

And, it is more than testing. Spending time with the other person is also the opportunity to renew and grow the love between the two people, as they actively share life with each other. Spending time with the other person is not only required for selecting the right mate; it is also required for keeping one�s mate.


3. Commitment, and Becoming Best Friends with Each Other.

Love and compatibility are insufficient for a marriage. There must also be commitment. There must be a belief in �us� that is stronger than belief in �me.� That is commitment. Marriage is a journey through life together, and life is filled with sadness and suffering. Hence, there must also be something between the people that is more than just happy feelings, that will get them through the difficult times of life. That is commitment. A spouse is a partner for the business of life. And any partnership requires commitment. Etc. Commitment is best achieved and most happily fostered by friendship. Hence, the love and compatibility should, in a potential mate, become a friendship that will bear out the difficulties of life and enrich the underlying love and compatibility of the relationship. Put another way, if love is the fuel for a marriage, and if compatibility is the engine, then friendship is the actual operation of the marriage.


In sum, there seem to be three requirements for a successful marriage:
1. Selfless Love
2. Compatibility
3. Commitment

And there are three ways to achieve those requirements:
1. Keep the Commandments.
2. Spend time with the other person.
3. Become best friends with the other person.

I hope this helped.

--John
(who sometimes wonders if we should bring back matchmakers . . .)

Thank you Bob, Pani Rose, ray, Diak, and John
for your prayers and advices. I really learned a lot from you. God bless you all.

in Christ,

Khalid

CC:

Gotta go with the excellent advice in the last post. You MUST BE BEST FRIENDS as a first step. And beyond that, you have to learn TRUST because it is the foundation for love and all else in any relationship.

BOB

Khalid,

Welcome to the Forum; it's great to have another of our Chaldean brethren here with us.

I don't have any particular advice for you, but I will keep you in my prayers.

Many years,

Neil

Dear Khalid:

The better advice I got was: "Be sure she is a woman!"

Later, I understood it very well because THE woman I married:

(1) became my wife, giving full satisfaction to me as a husband;

(2) bore me and lovingly nurtured three healthy children, now all going into young adulthood;

(3) is my best friend, who tugs me when I go astray and keeps her smile (albeit forced sometimes) when I take an occasional jab at her family and friends!

I am married to the same woman for more than 26 years now and am looking forward to the next half!

Amado

Dear Chaldean,

If your religious/cultural tradition is important to you, you might want to consider marrying someone for whom it is also important. That does solve a few future problems.

Marriage is something you cannot really prepare for, though.

One has to be willing to grow together through joy and suffering.

AND there will be pain and suffering. It does not mean you or she made a bad choice. It's all about growing pains.

I just celebrated my 24th wedding anniversary.

I can look "she who must be obeyed" in the eye and still feel that same deep emotion for her that I did 24 years ago.

The suffering, the adaptation, the ability to keep one's male mouth shut - that was all part of the process.

I wish someone told me what I just told you 24 years ago.

So, prayers for you to toughen up, get married (your choice, of course) and then develop staying power.

Your marriage should be a 50-50 arrangement - she tells you what to do and you do it.

It's no use trying to fight that.

Reduce your anxiety level now by accepting women's power over men!

And as for the "Art of Loving" by Erich Fromm, one of the exercises that psychoanalyst recommends is to spend some time with eyes closed, picturing a white sheet in front of you (to enhance concentration and focus) and then to meditate on "I" as the centre of my identity and being etc.

What nonsense! To get ready for marriage, one should meditate on "Her."

And stay away from enneagrams. Your head will be going around in circles as it is . . .

Alex

Thanks Neil for welcoming me, and thank you Amadeus, and Alex for your advices.

I just learned new thing which is not to trust my feelings. Sometimes I feel this is the right person to marry, but it might not be God's will since I trusted my feelings more than trusting in Jesus (Somebody told me a story about st. Faustina where she felt that it's better for her to leave her monastary for another one since she felt that she can pray better if she switched to the other monastary, so Jesus apeared to her and told her to stay in her current monastary since that was Jesus' will for st. Faustina. Yes, I'm looking for a women who is strong in her faith and love for God. I want to raise saintly children. I have never dated before in my life (I'm 23). Your advices have been great and I learned a lot.
Please keep me in your prayers

in Christ,

Khalid

How is she relating to you? Is she encouraging, supportive, and kind? Does she seem to think you are the guy for her?

Of course, being a woman, I ask these things.

I think the greatest thing two people can have going for them is a common faith and common interests.

In some ways when we married, however, except for the faith (We were both Catholics) we did not have many things in common. As the years have gone on and we mapped out our lives together I think God has given us common interests, but (and I think this vital) both of us had to be willing to give in, sacrifice, and change.

I always helped him in his business and he supported me in the years I taught school. We had a family and did lots of things with them: hiking, skiing, traveling, camping, hobbies, etc. They have long been grown (have grandkids now) but because we worked at and developed common interests we are still doing things together...now slowed down and reduced to nice birdwatching trips and shorter hikes and no more skiing, but we do continue even making new discoveries. He is my best friend and companion and I know I am his.

Blessings to you and Ms. (?)whoever she will be as you begin the journey. Everyone has doubts sometimes...that is only natural. Getting to know each other takes time and there should be plenty of that before you approach engagement and marriage. You'll know....

And...being the incurable romantic I am I'll add that on our second date when I saw him walk up the stairs to my apartment and I stood in the doorway...somehow I just knew...this was the one. Some kind of sparkle in his eyes. We gave it a year to get to know each other before getting married. It has lasted 44 so far. We pray together a lot. His eyes still sparkle.

We will be including you in our prayer time together tonight. Blessings from...

Mary Jo and friend.