www.byzcath.org Forums General Discussions Town Hall early marriage

I know that there is a lot of acumulated wisdom on this board and I'd like to ask your opinion about early marriage. I am not entirely opposed to it-in fact I see some clear advantages for a couple. However, it seems to be rare these days and there is a definite attitude in the culture that later is better. I can also see some potential issues and dangers and I would really like to hear your thoughtful and prayerful responses.
Michele

Dear Michele,

I was married at 22 and I think that if there is support in the couple's extended community (parents, relatives, and equally important: church) around the young couple, they can get through the early rough times and grow together into a deeper and committed love. I know that it doesn't always work today, as most of one's friends will not be at that stage in life yet. A strong commitment to one's Christian faith is also very important, as it gives a relationship a bond and security that your more secular friends can never have. Barring a terrible transgression, divorce never crosses your mind during the down times as an option. I do believe that a family that prays together stays together.

Also, growing up together can be a beautiful thing. However, the economy and years of education required today do not make early marriage all that easy, nor do we necessarily live in a family oriented society any longer.

I was just teasing my 23 yr. old son today (who is light years away from marriage) while his sister's dolls were being put away for posterity...I held one very life like baby doll and gave it to him and said "you know, I was only a year older than you when I had one of these!!!"
His response was "I cannot imagine it". :rolleyes:

I will leave off with this: if one has found the right person, and both partners feel like that, they might want to give the relationship the sanctity and solemn commitment of an engagement, even if it becomes a very long, many yeared engagement. (In the Byzantine tradition there is even a most beautiful and meaningful blessing service you can request for the engagement (betrothal) seperate from the wedding, which makes it all the more sacred and serious). That is better than losing the person because the time is not right financially or otherwise.

These were just some of my thoughts from my experiences, and others may feel differently.

In Christ,
Alice

Hi Michele,

Let's hear from you on this too. What are the clear advantages you see for a couple who marries young? What are the potential issues and dangers?

Let me see....ah..ummmm. My mother married when she was 16. Of course, that was in Europe in the twenties when people married younger. My sister and I both married when we were 24 and had two children before we were 28 and I had more later too. My brother and his wife married before they were twenty before he went off to be in W.W.II and stayed married 52 years until her death.

Many people who married young are now celebrating there 50th anniversaries so it surely can work. When those oldsters married staying together was pretty much the norm and although it happened here and there divorce was not the option and easy out it is today. But I think you mean..."marrying young now in this time...like the young people we know..." Am I right?


Physically our bodies mature sooner than our minds and emotions. But social norms today dictate waiting--thus celibacy can be a challenge. That may be a factor in favor of marrying younger than people are doing these days.

Also, and I dislike making this observation, but many young people are sexually active at a young age so don't think it is necessary to get married young. As a result of this besides the fact fornication is a sin...and sin is not good for you...there is emotional damage and pain from going from relationship to relationship and partner to partner.

Committment is another thing. And nowadays most wait a while to make the marriage committment.
I also know from observation that sometimes they wait too long and miss the opportunity to have what might well have been good, caring, and responsible lifelong marriage partners.

We had a situation like that in our family when my son broke his first engagement. He went on to three other significant others and has one now...but after a few years he realized that the first one was really the love of his life. It was just too easy to move on when the early bliss worn thin. Had they married we could say maybe it wouldn't have worked, but then maybe the grace and bond of sacramental marriage (they were both Catholics) could have been the tie which binds. I think he lives with his regrets. She went on eventually to marry another and later divorced. I don't know where she is and how her life is going. It happened 14 years ago.

Sometimes I wish I would have waited a few more years before marrying, but then I might have missed my opportunity to have the good marriage of 44 years I now have. Timing is very important. Some kinds of assurances come only once or only a few times. Not to mention finding the right kind of love...and, of course, making prayerful and timely choices.

In Christ,

Mary Jo...

Dear Mary Jo,

You make some VERY good, wise and observant points on everything in your post, and I am in total agreement with you.

It is all too easy *today* to have a sexual relationship without marriage and with that 'liberty' comes a lack of wanting to commit to formal engagements and marriage, so the young years pass by fairly quickly and so much heartache often follows down the road: infertility, remaining single, emotional damage, etc.

In Christ,
Alice

Hi Alice,

We must have been posting at the exact same time cause when I added my reply there was yours which hadn't been there when I started. All of which to say is that I just now read it and appreciate what you said also.

In the Love of the Lord,

Mary Jo

Alice and Mary Jo,
Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I agree with so much that you said, Mary Jo. I have to add that I am asking because of a situation that is very close to my heart-not for me but for two kids I love very much. I have been married for 26 years and I was 21 when I got married. I am thankful that I have had years of growing with my husband- we didn't grow apart because of youth but grew together.
I think there is a tremendous amount of pressure today to live an immoral lifestyle. Being truly committed to a life partner can actually protect young people from being sucked into immorality. The hard work of real life can bond a couple together and help them to be more committed and serious about life, even if they are young. We live in a culture that prolongs childhood and delays responsible adulthood. This promotes selfishness, in my opinion.
Early marriage also provides the opportunity to be totally committed to one person for a lifetime without lingering regrets from previous relationships.
Waiting to be financially ready for marriage limits potential family size. Younger moms and dads have more physical energy for all the demands of parenthood.
If you find someone you really love, if you are both committed to true and permanent marriage and to God, how long can you wait and remain chaste? For some, it seems that God provides grace to endure and the struggle doesn't seem to overwhelm them. But for others, it will be a constant struggle. Unfortunately, many who seem able to easily wait for marriage, have simply not waited!
On the other hand, it is tough to have the financial means to support a marriage at an early age. Educational goals might not be achieved in order to keep food on the table. And the emotional safe zone that parents can provide for young people to complete their maturing is replaced by complete reliance on another young, relatively immature human being.
Those are some of my jumbled thoughts.
Blessings,
Michele

Ah yes Alice and Mary Jo, wisdom well spoken!

I was 20 and he was 23 when we were married. Even then the laws in Ohio required a letter saying it was ok at the age of 20 to get married. My letter from my dad did not come in time, but the judge was really nice, since I was in the Air Force and independant, he would pass on the need for the letter. Deacon Stan was my best friend back then and he is my best friend still today, only with three mini hims/us :p kicking about now(the youngest is 20), life is even more fun/better/joyful/etc... Stan and I are the shortest ones in the family too That makes life a lot more fun.

I was 26 when we had our first child. Looking back I wish we could have had them earlier but the good Lord knew what we needed.

They say that people are getting married later in life and having children later in life. Also, they say the older a woman is when she has children the more likely is a multiple birth. I think that is God's hand in time. He takes care of things if we are willing, then God is more than able.

Hi Michelle, Pani Rose, and Alice,

Hey, this was quite the girls' corner tonight so far. But, of course, hopefully a guy or two will soon join us in this important discussion even though it seems a bit like a gal thing. And maybe some of the gals when they see the topic...

Thanks, Michelle, good topic. I couldn't disagree with anything I heard from any of you. We know about this kind of thing, right?

Blessings to you,

Mary Jo

Twins, triplets and higher order multiple pregnancies are becoming much more common today than ever before. As women wait until later in their childbearing years to become pregnant they are more likely to have a multiple pregnancy and the increase in the number of couples availing of ever advancing fertility treatments has also led to an increase in multiple births.

This isn't the article I read, but it works
http://www.nmh.ie/Internet/index.php?page=FrontPageFormat/FAQ/FetalFAQ.html#15

Good evening ladies(and perhaps some gentlemen),
There is an intriguing article at www.frederica.com [frederica.com] called "Let's Have More Teen Pregnancy" which gives reasons for considering early marriage far more eloquently than I have. I don't know if you are familiar with Frederica Mathews-Green, but she is a Orthodox convert married to a priest. I love her writing-have read several of her books and many articles. Her own 3 children all married young and began their families young while still completing college degrees. I don't know if the idea of 18 to 20 year olds getting married sounds scandalous, but my reason for suggesting this topic is that my own daughter would like to get married next year-she will be a few months shy of her 19th birthday and her beau will be equally close to his 21st birthday. Anyway, if you have a chance to read the article let me know what you think. If you go to the home page of frederica.com you click on Articles and scroll down till you find the title.
Oh, and another interesting aspect of all this is that the young man she wants to marry is Byzantine Catholic and has drawn her into the Church. She was baptized in the RCC as an infant but we moved into a non-denominational church when she was about 6. She loves the Eastern church and feels she's found her true home. This is the round about way that I, an Evangelical Christian, ended up lurking on a Byzantine Forum and getting to know all of you.
Blessings
Michele

Oh Michelle Glory to God and Allelluiah!

OOohhh don't you just love God's wisdom. He is so far ahead of us, we can't see straight. Sure is a good thing he makes our paths straight, even with a lot of crocked roads. He binds us together one way or another. Thank you Jesus!

Got married pretty young myself.

In the Balkans, and in tradional cultures in general, it is understood that the man is not "fully cooked" until he is around thirty. Women advance in maturity more quickly, around 20 or 21 they are considered fully ready.

These are generalizations, but I found them to be wise and true. So, I was 31 and my wife 21. Both of my grandmothers were married around 17 or 18 years old, but their husbands were the usual 10 to 12 years older.

With love in Christ,
Andrew

I just remembered, and I think it was in chat several days ago, someone saying they know of a couple that just celebrated 80 years of marriage. He is 101, she is 100. He said the secret of a good and long marriage was never going to sleep without holding hands.

So I take it they were 20 and 21 when they got married IT worked for them.

Thank you, Pani Rose. That seems like a pretty big advantage of early marriage-the possibility of a very long life together! When my Dad passed away after 39 years of marriage, my mom's comment was "It wasn't long enough." Now that I've been married 26 years, I totally understand her point of view.